Blood Storm
by LucarioKid
Summary: There have almost always been Vampires in the world. But, there are always those odd balls who make everyone just stop and face palm. Cain is certainly one of those cases. But he means well... mostly... sorta... No he's just kinda weird. But he kills bad Vampires so that's a plus! When he isn't drunk... Which isn't very often! Ya... Vampires... He doesn't sparkle though. Bonus!
1. Prologue

**So I started to watch Hellsing and instantly fell in love with it and wanted to write something on it because I could and nobody could tell me. (Watch and see if someone tells me that I can't...) So here we go! I also wanted to give this series a theme song, not one that necessarily matches the name or something, just one that sounds like it would go with it. Or at least my character.**

 **The name of the song is Pirate Hooker by Zomboy, I do not own the song or Zomboy (I wish I did...*Sobs*) Anywho, here goes nothing! Or everything... Regardless!**

When the blood moon was out he always felt stronger. Faster, just better in ever reserve. He ran a hand through his hair before letting out a sigh. He was standing on a cliff overlooking a small town. He didn't know the name but could care less. He smelled Vampire and was determined to kill it. If it was a threat.

He let out a small growl before jumping off the cliff and free falling to the bottom. When he hit the ground he turned into red and black fog that spread along the ground and slowly came back together. It bunched up and with a puff of sorts he formed. He looked around before walking forward.

He hadn't seen any movement in the village and had a feeling the inhabitants were either dead or Ghouls. Either option was technically dead but only one of the options could actually hurt him. He lowered his hands to his belt and rested his hands on the dual revolvers that were loaded and ready to fire. The large caliber pistols had been his for many years to an extent where he had lost count.

When he got closer he could smell the stench of death that made his groan. He could smell the Ghouls and knew his job had just grown increasingly difficult.

"Goddamned beasts." He stepped forward until he reached the first house. He looked through the door that had been smashed down and saw a Ghoul standing and just twitching. He shook his head before walking behind it and ripping the head off.

The undead never heard him coming and dissolved into ash. He distastefully wiped his hands to get the putrid smelling ash off. When he was done he went further into the town until he saw a large group of Ghouls. He knew confrontation was unavoidable and decided to make the most of what he could.

He walked forward, not drawing his revolvers but resting his hands on them. When the first of the Ghouls noticed him they did not attack him, which only surprised him. He stopped walking and waited for a few seconds when he heard a chuckle to his left and up high.

Up on a roof he saw a man with a white cloak on, large sword slung over his shoulder.

"Looks like we have a lost little Vampire here. Aww, poor widdle wampire get lost?" He simply got into a ready stance with his left foot forward and his grip tightened on his revolvers. He pulled the hammers back but did not release them. They wouldn't fire but he wanted to see what would happen first.

"And you are?" Was all he asked the white cloaked Vampire.

"Timothy, though I never really did go by that name. You can either call me Master or you end." There was silence until the man started to laugh in a low voice. It grew until he was howling with laughter.

"I've never heard such horse shit in my life! Pity you're a Vampire and not a comedian, because that was hilarious!" Timothy dropped from the roof and pointed the large sword at the man and was shaking in anger.

"You have the audacity to insult me while you're outnumbered nearly a hundred to one!?" He looked around before looking back to Timothy and shrugging.

"Apparently." Timothy wasn't amused and just motioned his Ghouls forward.

"Kill that bastard!" The man did not move and waited until the Ghouls were almost upon him. In a flash he drew his revolvers and started to fire into the horde at a speed a human couldn't track. When he emptied his revolvers he quickly twirled them and placed them back in his holsters before reaching behind his back and pulling off the sawed-off shotgun that rested on his back.

He smirked before pulling the trigger and watched as a large portion of the horde turned to ash. He fired his second shot and saw only a few remaining Ghouls. He returned the gun to his back and drew the saber that rested on his left hip. He stood ready and waited for the right time to strike.

He swung and hit two of the Ghouls with one slice, destroying them. He started to quickly stab and slice the remaining ones until all that remained around him was ash and Timothy. The man pointed his sword at Timothy and grinned.

"What was that about audacity?" Timothy was shaking, but not out of fear, but fear.

"What are you?"

"Just a regular deadbeat Vampire like yourself. Only I've got a good purpose in life. Get ready to burn in hell you sick son of a bitch." The man sheathed his sword and pulled out a cross. He only made sure to touch the holy thing with his gloved hand but even then he was cautious. Being around something that could kill him tended to make him uneasy. Especially crosses.

He rushed Timothy who recovered and swung his sword at the strange Vampire. Timothy was surprised at his strength when the man blocked the large sword with just the cross. Looking closer Timothy could see it was sharped at the points. He had lost focus and was punished when the man grabbed him and pulled him into the sharp side of the cross.

"N-No! This cannot...be." Timothy felt his body wearing away from the holy artifact while he looked into the blood red eyes of his killer. The last thing he saw was the red eyes darken to an almost black red, something he had never seen before. Then he died.

The man kicked the ash away and put the cross back on his right hip where it hung haphazardly. The man pulled out his revolvers and slowly reloaded them.

"God have mercy on your soul, though it's not like you really deserve any from what you've done." When he finished with the revolvers he moved to the shotgun and then returned that to where it sat. He was unimpressed. He hadn't needed to use his powers on the weak excuse for a Vampire.

"Waste of my damned time." He started to walk away but looked up at the moon. He then lowered his gaze back down and started to walk. After just leaving the town he heard a shot ring out. Then another and eventually he heard dozens. It was many miles from where he was but he knew he could make it a few minutes.

He started to sprint off towards the sounds. When he arrived he saw another small town, though this one reeked of blood. He was hardly interested in the temptation of the blood. He had learned to control his lust for the life substance long ago. It had taken him years to get a grip on himself but he eventually had. It had been hard and very bloody, despite the fact that he was trying to get away from that.

He was about to enter when multiple military vehicles. He ducked back into the darkness of the woods and watched. After a few minutes he saw a blonde women in a suit emerge, cigar in her hand. He then felt it. The presence of age and darkness nearby. Every part of him but one wanted him to run away to safety but his curiosity didn't let him.

He saw a tall man with black hair and a large red coat and hat approach with a bundle in his hands. He could see the orange hair of a young girl. Well, young to him was anywhere from one to twenty-five. She looked to be in her late teens or early twenties.

He started to fade into his foggy haze to avoid detection as well as creep a little closer. He watched as the tall man exchanged a few words with the women and heard some that were about the girl.

"Police Girl." That was all he picked up and he guessed it was the orange haired girl. She was mostly looking up at the sky and nothing else. After a few seconds she slowly looked down and right at him. He didn't flinch or panic. He just placed a finger to his mouth and smiled. She just blinked slowly at him and then mumbled something that nobody could make out.

The man looked into her red eyes and could smell how fresh she was. He had only been around blood that tempting a few times in his life. It was riveting. Even from this distance. He didn't know how the tall man was resisting the blood in her... Unless he had already had a taste of her. He looked at the tall man and felt weak.

The power emanating from the tall man was terrifying. He growled silently to himself and then looked back at the girl. She had never taken her eyes off him. He smiled and then faded into fog. As he hovered away he saw both her and the tall man looking his direction. He wasn't sure if the tall man had seen him or not but he decided it would be best to leave before he was sure he had been seen.

When he had gotten far enough away he turned back and sighed. He looked up at the sky once more and felt a smirk tugging at him lips.

"What a great night." He placed his hands in his pockets and started to walk away. He couldn't keep his smirk down as he went, the night just turned out better then he expected it too.

* * *

 **One Week Later**

The man was sitting in a bar just enjoying the peace and quiet. Though he was getting a few looks in his direction. He only chuckled and mumbled to himself, "I'll live." He reached for his glass when someone grabbed his wrist and pulled him on his back.

"I think you've had enough, Vampire." He looked up and saw a few men who looked like priests around him, some holding crosses in their hands. Under normal circumstances he would have been worried, but when one was drunk they tended to just casually go through things. The same happened with Vampires, though it's a lot harder to get a Vampire drunk then a normal person.

He slowly stood and placed one hand over his mouth and held the other out to tell them to wait. He turned and let out a small belch that took the priests off guard. The man sniffed in and saw four enemies.

"Who's firss?" He licked his lips while grabbing the revolvers on hip hips and drawing them. While he didn't aim them he just had them hanging in his hands. One of the priests ran at him and was surprised when his leg was blown off from a shot. The Vampire had seemed to almost instantly recover and had his smoking revolver aimed right where the man's leg was.

Two more ran at him and were stopped when they got blasted in the chest by two shots each. The Vampire spun and aimed his left revolver at the last priest. He smirked and stumbled a little before pulling the trigger, the weak pop from the head exploding and making splats on the far wall made the Vampire hungry.

The Vampire looked at the injured priest and hobbled forward. He aimed the guns at the man and gave off a quiet hic before speaking.

"Who sent ya?" The priest shook his head and through the pain looked at the Vampire and spat out, "God damn you soul, monster." The man leaned closer and chuckled.

"He already has." Then he fired. He looked back to the bartender and held a hand up.

"Check plesh."

 **Here's our hero... Sorta. He's an interesting fellow, isn't he? I like him. Well, I made him so of course I like him. I hope that you guys like him, how about that? Anywho, keep calm and may the Aura be with you. I typed this at 6 in the morning because I don't sleep. Fun shite... Not really.**


	2. New Job?

**So in the first chapter the main character wasn't supposed to come off as weird... Not entirely exactly. For the rest of... Everything he is supposed to be seen as weird. Just so you know. Here we go!**

He followed the trail of death and blood, though it was pretty easy to do considering there was a lot of it. Whoever these idiot Vampires were, they were not careful and it was going to cost them. He arrived at a house with the door broken down and blood everywhere. The T.V. was still on and playing some children's cartoon. He looked at the bodies briefly and then took in the smells. There was a smaller smell about and he slowly realized what it was.

"Those fuckers had sex after they killed these people!? Damn... How come I'm not that lucky?" He looked around for a few more seconds before deciding to move on. The trail was easy to follow considering the musk of blood was everywhere. All he had to do was let his Vampiric senses guide him to the killers.

He had 'borrowed' a car from a man a day ago. He didn't mind running but knew that in order to keep up with these types of people he was going to need some type of transportation. He was not a picky man and just took the older styled truck. The grey pickup had small amounts of rust appearing on the front bumper. Either the owner was bad at taking care of the vehicle or it was very old.

Either way he was going to try to get his miles out of it. He kept the window rolled down and followed the scent of the blood. He saw bright lights in the distance that he recognized as police sirens. They were chasing after a motorcycle of sorts with two riders. Then he saw the flashes from a gun barrel that caused two cars to collide and fly off the road.

"So they're armed. Maybe this will be interesting for me then. Been a good while since a nice scrap." He slammed down on the gas pedal and listened to the roar of the motor. He pulled the cloth up over his lower face, no longer needing full access to his nose. All he needed to do was keep them in his sights. Not a difficult task to be honest. Being a Vampire meant having great eye sight.

As he closed in he saw something in the distance. A man in red. The same tall man from a few weeks ago. He wasn't close but could certainly feel the dread from the man. He started to shake but then ignored his fear. Tall man or not he was going to kill these two fools. He saw the tall man become an almost cloud and form a mirage of sorts around the bike.

Now he was curious as to what would happen. He slowed down slightly and watched as the tall man crept around them in a taunting manner. Then one of the Vampires shot the tall man. After a second the tall man rose and shot the boy with the gun. He smiled as he watched the boy turn to dust.

He then slammed on the gas as he saw the second one, a women with blue hair running away.

"No you don't, Miss Daisy." When he closed in he pulled up next to her and opened the door. She turned to him confused.

"Surprise!" He jumped out and tackled her off the road, rolling as they went. When they stopped rolling he pinned her down and reached to the right side of his belt. When he felt the cross he pulled it out and raised it high above his head.

"Peace, bitch!" He slammed the cross down into her chest and watched as she turned to ash, floating away into the air. He stood and put the cross back. He looked around and then scratched his head.

"Where's my tru-" There was a loud crash that caused him to flinch and not move. He let out a sigh and slowly turned to see his truck down the road, compressed against a tree.

"Glad I don't pay the insurance bill on that thing." He started to walk away when he felt the presence of the tall man behind him. He jumped back and drew both his revolvers. When he saw the tall man he wasn't appreciative of the fact that he couldn't see the man's eyes through the tinted glasses.

"Hey there... Buddy? I'm going to be going now. Bye!" He put the guns away and started to walk away when the tall man warped in front of him and gave a dark smirk to him.

"And why would I let you go?" Even the man's voice had a dangerous edge to it that scared him. He was not scared of many things. But tall men with shades in red was certainly one of them.

"Because I killed that blue lady?" The tall man stepped closer and reached into his coat pocket.

"I don't think so." He gritted his teeth and looked around.

"No way out of this, eh?" Tall man shook his head and all he could do was sigh and draw his revolvers, giving them a twirl as he did.

"Then I'll be sure to give you hell, mate." Tall man grinned and pulled out a large white pistol.

"Mine's bigger." He chuckled.

"At least I don't have to compensate for something." Tall man lost his smirk and gave a scowl. When he fired all he did was turned part of his body into a fog to make the bullet fly through him. It still burned but he would live.

"Not going to kill me that easily, old timer." While he didn't know much about Tall man he did know that he was old. Very old, and dangerous. He started to fire into the tall man who didn't do anything to avoid the bullets and was torn to shreds.

He then watched as Tall man pulled himself back together with a sinister laugh and aimed his gun.

"You're just a waste of space."

"Come on, mate, that's just rude." When tall man fired he jumped to the side and did his best to avoid the bullets of death. His internal system of sorts telling him he was in major danger. To him it was almost like a sixth sense, or a third eye of sorts. Whenever he was in danger it would scream out and he would react. Normally it was brief and then left. But now it was screaming out to him that he was in danger.

When the Tall man emptied his clip he smiled. But he still heard danger. Then he saw it. The orange in the distance. He jumped to the side but felt searing pain to his side.

"Mother fucking shit in the bread basket!" He was on his back as the holy bullet did it's work in the area where he had been struck. While the injury was quiet mild the holy bullet had really started to cause problems. He saw the Tall man stand over him and lower the barrel of his pistol to his face.

"Any last words?" He licked his lips and nodded.

"What time is it?" The tall man was surprised and looked at the sky briefly.

"Just after midnight. Why?" He smiled and pushed the gun away while turning to fog and moving away.

"Because it ain't time for me to die just yet. Peace, Old Timer!" He started to run when he felt danger and stopped, jumping back. A bullet whizzed in front of him and barely grazed his nose. He looked left and saw the orange blur. He let it know his mind by giving it the bird.

"Can you not!?" He started to move again when multiple lights were turned on and he was momentarily blinded.

"Vampires are nocturnal you asshole!" There was no response for a few seconds until a commanding women's voice shot out.

"Desist your actions or be fired upon! If you surrender then we will not kill you!" He looked around and could barely make out some men with large guns aimed at him. He clenched his fists and growled.

"How do I know I can trust you? No offense, but trusting people with guns aimed at you never is the smartest thing to do... Usually."

"You have my word, and may God judge me if you do not survive tonight." He thought about it before throwing his revolvers on the ground. He put his hands up and got to his knees.

"Alright, ya got me, Skippy." Some men came forward and pulled his hands behind his back. They put a strange clamp on his wrists that dug into his skin. It slightly burned but he ignored it. A women in a suit, whom he barely recognized stepped forward, cigar in hand. She stopped in front of him as he was lifted up. He stood a small amount taller then her, but not much, if at all.

"Who are you?" He decided honesty was probably the best bet to keeping his head.

"Cain." She nodded and looked behind him before looking into his eyes.

"What were you doing tonight, Cain?" He motioned to his guns and smiled.

"Killing Vampires. Same as you and your people I assume seeing as Tall Dark and Creepy stuck it to that one asshole." There was a dark laugh behind him before he felt a gun barrel pressed to his head.

"Master, permission to kill the insect?" Cain looked to the women with a gaze that warned her to keep her promise. She sighed and shook her heard.

"No, Alucard. I have something much better planned for him." Cain smiled and leaned forward.

"Is it a present? My birthday isn't for a while, you shouldn't have miss..."

"Integra. Though you will call me Sir Integra." Cain leaned back and looked to one of the guards before whispering loud enough for everyone to hear.

"Does she want to be a dude or somethin'? I have never met a women who wants to be called Sir." The guard repressed a laugh and just coughed. He felt hands around his chin that turned him to Integra.

"Got a wise-ass I see. I'll soon fix that." Cain gave a cheeky grin to her.

"You're welcome to try, Mr. Ma'am." That earned him a swift kick in between the legs. He was barely able to let out a whimper as he was dragged to an armored car. They threw him in rather forcefully though he was more focused on the fact that he may have lost the ability to reproduce.

"She's mean, mate." He looked around and saw two guards. Then a girl, the same one he saw a few weeks ago step in. She had a blue uniform and a short skirt on. Her orange hair was the same as he remembered but her red eyes struck him the most. They still held a small amount of innocence to them. She had been recently turned and wasn't feeding from what he could gather. She didn't want to accept what she was.

He could smell her weakness and knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to break out and escape. But, the Integra women had kept her promise so he would keep his. She never took her eyes off him and eventually leaned forward.

"I saw you that night all those weeks ago. At Cheddar, I think?" Cain shrugged to her and chuckled.

"I just go where the blood leads me. Maybe I was there, maybe I wasn't." She didn't seem to understand him and just leaned back, folding her arms against her chest and studying him. He wasn't the most impressive thing she had seen and was actually quiet dirty.

His hair was a dead pale white, that was spiked to the side and had splotches of dirt and mud in it. His eyes were definitely that of a Vampire's, but they were not blood red. More like a dark wine red. His skin was pale though that did not surprise her in the slightest. His apparel was quiet interesting.

He had a brown cloak around his upper body that went down to his mid chest in the front and his lower back from behind. The cloak also covered his shoulders and went down his arms slightly. On his right arm it went down to just above his elbow, while on his left arm it went down further, just above his wrist. It also looked like it could be pulled up to make a hood to cover his head. She had seen the front around his neck pulled up and used to cover the lower half of his face up to under his eyes.

He had a black t-shirt on underneath the cloak and had an assortment of necklaces around his neck. Some were black with stones while others were grey and with crystals of sorts. His pants were a dark brown with an old frayed belt holding them up. He had a sabre sitting on his left waist while he had a cross on the right side of his waist. The cross was connected to a small chain that was tied around his belt.

She had seen his hands and how they had multiple burn marks on them, probably from using the cross to kill the girl Vampire. Around his right wrist he had a brown cloth tied that went up his arm to just below his elbow. She noticed just how worn the pants were with lighter parts where the fabric had been strained from over use.

His boots were covered in mud and blood, making it hard to tell what the original color was at one point. She noticed he had strange scars along his arms that were almost like bullet wounds though she wasn't sure what kind. All around he seemed very older styled to her.

"What's you name, Snips?" She looked at him confused by the nickname.

"Where'd you get Snips from?"

"You shot me with a sniper. You sniped me. Snips." She thought about it and eventually realized it was better then Police-Girl.

"Seras. Seras is my name." She didn't know if he cared for last names so she decided to keep that part out for now.

"Cain. The one and only crazy Vampire from the Wild West... That I know of I suppose. Was fun times in the wild west. Could do whatever you please and nobody gave a damn." Seras though about what he had said and she realized just how old he was.

"Explains why your guns are so old fashioned." He let out a, "Pssh." Then he shook his head.

"You people have things way to easy. Besides, the kick I can get from my revolvers could stop a truck." Seras grinned at him and motioned to her rifle which had been returned to its case.

"With this weapons I can stop a semi." Cain shrugged and motioned to the revolvers one of the guards had.

"Can I see those?" The guard shook his head and almost fell over when Cain pulled his hands out from behind his back, uncuffed.

"Pretty please?" The guard froze and looked to Seras who just shrugged.

"S-Sure." He handed the old weapons over the Cain who opened up the cylinders and handed one to Seras.

"These are much lighter and faster then your anti-anything gun, Snips." She groaned and shot him a dark look.

"I thought you wanted to know my name so you could call me that?" He shrugged.

"If I feel like it... Seras." She looked at the gun and could sense just how old it was. She could almost feel how many people it had killed, or rather been used to kill.

You claim that your big gun is all that and a can of beans, well let me tell you that this is all that and a can of beans _and_ some rice. Because rice is tasty." Seras couldn't help but face palm at Cain's choice of words. All the western Vampire did was shrug and give a large grin to her.

"You'll find soon enough, that the best way to keep your sanity after having lived so long is to do something that others see as weird. For me it's my actions and my words. You're not quiet there yet. I can smell how fresh you are. One day you'll see what I mean." The truck rolled to a stop and before Sears could question him he had taken his gun and hopped out the back. Integra did not look amused with the fact that he had gotten free.

"Now how did you manage to get out of those restraints?" Cain looked back to the truck before waving his hands around randomly.

"Magic, and I can't tell you because the first rule of magic is to never tell." He looked around briefly before resting his gaze back on Integra.

"Now why am I here?" Integra motioned him to follow, which he did but in a relaxed carefree manner. After leading him through the large manor they came to an office where Integra motioned him to sit.

"I could see from the way you handled that Vampire you have some type of training. My organization could use someone with your skill." Cain held his hand out to stop her talking.

"Hold on, you want me to basically become your slave and work for you and kill Vampires and other supernatural threats practically against my will? Is that it, more or less?" Integra thought about it then nodded to him. Cain leaned back in the chair with a serious face before it brightened up and he gave her a thumbs up.

"Sign me up! Just none of those gloves that control me please. Also, no kids. I hate children." Integra didn't know why he would mention children but decided against it.

"Welcome to Hellsing, Mr. Cain." Cain stood and walked to the door.

"See ya later, boss!" He opened and slammed the door behind him as he left. He walked for a few feet before picking up a familiar scent.

"This should be good." He turned the corner to see Seras talking to someone, who he guessed was her boss. Once the man left he walked over to her casually and leaned against the wall. She saw him and cocked an eyebrow at him.

"So, why are you still here? I would have thought you would have left by now." Cain pretended to wipe something off his shoulder in a taunting manner before grinning and leaning forward.

"Maybe, but why would I leave my new job? Guess who gets to work with you, Snips!?" Seras paled even more then she already was and groaned while burying her face in her hands.

"Christ."

"Is our Lord and Savior. Damn this is going to be fun!"

 **And that's how I met Cain. Lol. Here we go. Much more of Cain being the smartass I planned on which is a good thing in my opinion. I also got the computer at my dad's house and should be able to check on some stuff during the weekends, but not always. But, this could be the start of me being able to type more and get more stuff done! Whoop!**

 **Anyways, keep calm and may the Aura be with you all! Also, watch out for Vampires, especially one from the wild west who gets in fights with priests. That one's an ass and a hand full. Haha!**


	3. Andy

**Hey there everyone! So, I just watched the Hellsing Ultimate Abridged series and I have decided that Cain is basically supposed to be Alucard from that series... More or less with how stupid and funny he is. So hopefully that goal gets accomplished. Anywho, you guys have waited enough. Here we go!**

"Do I gotta?"

"Yes. Those rags you call clothing are not acceptable for one of our units to be wearing. Not to mention the colors don't match." Cain groaned while leaning back.

"Women!" Integra raised an eyebrow at him and threw the clothing into his hands.

"They look almost exactly like yours but are in better condition and have a color scheme that will match Hellsing much more closely." Cain sniffed them and gave a confused look.

"Smells like honey. Why does it smell like honey?" Integra shook her head and left the Western Vampire to himself. He stripped down and started to put the new clothing on him. It did look very much like his old attire with the cloak around his shoulders, upper chest and arms, but it was black with a Hellsing patch on the right side.

The undershirt was still black but had red on the seams. His pants were black as well and had red lines running down them and he had a spot designed for his cross to sit peacefully. On his left side he had a chain from his front pocket to his back pocket. He touched it and felt a slight sting and realized it was a holy chain.

"Oh, so I can choke a bitch with this... Epic!" He had also received new holsters that were black leather with red on the insides of the holsters. Then he saw something that made him gasp. On his desk was none other then a black leather cowboy hat. It had the Hellsing patch in blood red on the right side and the sides of the hat slightly curved up.

"I love you, Integra!" He placed the hat on and adjusted it so it almost reached his eyes. He then placed his weapons where they belonged and secured his cross on his belt. He went to his mirror and gave himself a quick glance before smiling. Then he got an idea and went to the chest where he kept things he found. He pulled out a feather that was black and sleek.

"That dusty old crow won't be needing this anymore." He placed the crow feather on the left side of his hat and chuckled.

"Oh how this reminds me of the good old days in the Wild West. Where dressing like this didn't get you called an idiot." He walked outside and heard a giggle. He turned to see Seras smiling at him.

"You look like an idiot." Cain just let out a sad sigh.

"Fuck this shit, I'm out!" He then started to walk away when Seras jumped in front of him and stopped him.

"I was joking. I heard you say that you used to be called an idiot for dressing like that so I decided to mess with you." Cain leaned close to her face and smiled internally when she turned red.

"Never insult a Cowboy's getup. Trust me, I've learned the hard way." She raised an eyebrow at him.

"You were a Cowboy?" Cain gave a disbelieving look and pulled out his revolvers and twirled them faster then Seras could watch before holstering them.

"Why do you thing my stuff is old as shit? Same with me. For fun? I know I look good but I'm quiet old." She seemed surprised by this and tried to find some words to fix what she had done.

"It's good. Just remember not to make fun of a Cowboy's getup. Now, where's Alucard's room? I need to put holy thumb tacks on his chair." Seras face palmed and pointed to the wall.

"The wall moves back. Don't say I didn't warn you if he kills you." Cain pulled back the wall and smiled.

"I know what I get into whenever I do something. I have enough fail safes to keep me alive for an extra hour. Which is certainly enough time to hide behind Walter or Integra. Adios!" He crept down and closed the door/wall behind him to leave Seras in her thoughts.

"He's insane. He won't last a bloody week."

* * *

"Walter! Integra! Save me!" Cain sprinted through the door and slammed it behind him while holding his cross in front of him defensively. Integra raised an eyebrow at the strange Vampire.

"What did you do?" Cain chuckled uneasily and jumped behind Integra who let out a shocked gasp.

"I may or may not have stuck holy thumb tacks on Alucard's chair. Maybe." Integra pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a sigh.

"Alright. What do you want me to do?"

"Tell him it was a prank and he can get me back. As long as it won't cripple or kill me." The door was blown into splinters and a very pissed Alucard stepped into the room, his large gun pointed where Cain was hiding.

"Master, let me kill him." Integra shook her head.

"All you have to do is get him back. Just don't kill him or cripple him, please." She looked to Cain who gave a thumbs up. Alucard thought about it before getting a dark grin. He put his gun away and glared at Cain.

"I have just the thing, master." Cain gulped and cautiously walked out from behind Integra. Seras then walked in and looked at Cain with a knowing face.

"Told you." He chuckled and twirled his cross before putting it back where it usually sat.

"And I told you I have contingencies. Thank you, Integra." His new boss looked up at him with a bored expression before adding, "Next time, you're on your own. Is that clear?" Cain looked to Alucard who's grin seemed to be growing bigger by the minute.

"Shite." Alucard stepped towards him darkly and the Cowboy pulled out his cross once more and pointed it at Alucard.

"The power of Christ compels you!" Seras groaned and gave Cain an annoyed glare, which the Westerner gave a toothy grin to.

"I'm glad you're all here. We have a mission for you in Ireland. A Vampire has taken a hospital and we need to take care of it. I want this done as quickly as possible. Am I understood?"

"Yes, Master." Cain gave a nod and thumbs up before adding, "I love Ireland. Do you think we'll find any Leprechauns out there? Also, if I shot one do you think Lucky Charms will spill out of it? That'd be so cool!" Everyone in the room collectively face palmed.

"Just get to Ireland."

"Shotgun!"

"Goddammit, Cain!"

* * *

"Whoop! This is the best! Just like one of those arcade games! Snips! Get your ass in here and try this out!" There was a crash and Seras burst through the door.

"Very well." She shot a few in the head when her eyes turned red.

"My good God, yes." She then started to speed down the hall and blow all the Ghouls into bloody chunks when her gun gave a click to signal it was empty. She then dropped the gun and started to claws into the Ghouls, ripping and slicing them to pieces.

"Holy fuck that was cool!" Seras didn't notice him and her master who had approached as she raised her hand to her face to lick the large amount of blood off. Suddenly multiple blades stabbed into her and knocked her to the ground. Cain turned and started to draw his guns when he was pinned to the far wall by more blades.

"You heathens shall feel the wrath of God. His merciful grave shall destroy you all." Cain looked down the hall and saw none other then Alexander Anderson.

"Fuck, it's Andy." Alucard had a dark aura around him that scared him. Anderson started to stalk down the hall with his blades by his sides and pointed down. Alucard scowled at him and they began exchanging words. Cain looked around and saw multiple holy words on the windows and doors.

"Trying to trap my ass in here, huh? That may work on most Vampires, Andy. Not for me!" Cain started to pull himself off the holy blades and shouted in both exertion and pain. When he was off the blades he saw Alucard shoot the priest in the head and turn to a badly injured Seras.

"Alucard! He's a regenerator!" Alucard started to turn and draw his gun when he was stuck to a wall much like Cain had been. The bullet Alucard had put into his head slowly slid out.

"God give me strength to kill you heathens." He started to stalk towards Alucard while Cain limped to Seras.

"We need to go!"

"But my master!" Cain watched as Anderson sliced the head off Alucard and it flew through the air and landed by Seras who picked it up and started to whimper. Cain wasted no time and pulled Seras to her feet with one hands and shot Anderson in the head with his revolver. He knew it wouldn't kill him, but would certainly buy them some time.

"Move your ass, girl!" They started to move down the hall till it came to a dead end. Cain turned back and didn't see Anderson but heard a scream. He saw Seras recoil from the door, her hand sparking with holy electricity.

"Don't touch those. I'll break them, but I need time." Seras nodded. Cain could see multiple tears in her eyes and started to move to the door. He pulled back his hand and braced himself.

"This is going to hurt." He pushed his hands into the barrier, pain coursing through his arm that almost grounded him. He grabbed the nail that hung up the holy pages and started to pull. It started to come loose when he heard the sound of something striking the wall.

He turned to see Alucard's head stuck to the wall by a blade. Seras had a blank expression on her face and Cain realized Alucard must be speaking to her. He turned and saw Anderson walking toward them with his blades pointed down again. Cain kept pulling on the nail but drew his gun with his free hand.

"Don't make me shoot you in the fuckin' head!" Anderson chuckled and threw a blade at Cain's chest. Cain focused his power and his chest turned to smoke. While the blade technically did not hurt him it certainly drained him and stung. He gave another tug and the nail came loose.

He gave a quick glance and saw two more papers on the door.

"Shitting Hell in the bread basket." He looked back and saw Anderson raising his blades to the Police Girl who still looked like she was somewhere else. Cain called to her and she slowly looked at him as the knives were lowered. There were multiple shots fired and the blades broke.

Cain saw Seras drop but saw no injuries on her. He sighed in relief and looked over to see Integra with two armed men by her side.

"Those two work for me, Anderson. And last I checked, you are not supposed to be here. So back off before I take more drastic actions." Cain drew his seconds revolver and aimed one at the head and the other at the heart of the priest.

"Don't forget me, Andy." Anderson glared at the Western Vampire and his eyes widened.

"I remember you. Your new clothing was confusing me. Cain, so this is where you crawled away to. Hellsing." Cain started to speak and then thought about something in my head.

"Last time I saw you, if my memory is correct, I blew your head, heart, legs, arms, and dick off. Then ran like Hell. I did no suck crawling." Anderson scowled before rushing forward and swinging at Cain who turned to mist and scattered away from him. When he reformed he saw the priest had Integra pinned to he wall and both her men were dead.

"Where's Alucard!?"

"That heathen is in God's presence now." Integra gave a smirk and started to laugh.

"The thing is Anderson. You may be Iscariot's best agent, well, so is Alucard. And to kill Alucard doesn't just happen." As she said this a large amount of bats were swarming outside and then a black mist formed. There was a dark laugh and then it formed into Alucard. Cain came next to Alucard and they both aimed their guns at him.

"You dun goofed, Andy." Anderson rushed the two Vampires and missed Cain who jumped into the air, but managed to remove both of Alucard's arms. Cain aimed his guns at Anderson and smiled at the priest's face when he saw Alucard regrow his arms.

"Now you begin to understand that you cannot kill him." Anderson pulled out a bible and laughed.

"I need to prepare more before killing this one. And you, Cain. Go jump off a bridge." Cain threw both his revolvers in the air and balanced them on top of his middle fingers.

"Remember, Andy. You can kick the crap out of me all you want, but you ever hurt Snips, Integra, or Ally, and I'll personally shoot your dick off over and over again until you either beg for mercy or you keel over from the pain. Comprende?" Anderson smirked and then disappeared in a swarm of holy pages.

"Well, that was a thing. You all ok?" Alucard nodded slowly while Integra wiped the sweat from her brow.

"More or less." Alucard walked to Seras and started at her.

"Why didn't you drink the blood?" She could only look at him and frowned.

"I felt like if I did then I would lose something."

"You're an idiot. But, I suppose you have a point. Besides, I think the time of me roaming the night alone has come to an end." He motioned her to follow and she smiled and ran after him.

"Wait for me, Master!" Cain rested his hands on his belt and chuckled.

"It's like a puppy chasing after it's mommy." Integra gave a small grin and turned to Cain.

"You shot off Anderson's dick?" Cain looked down and chuckled.

"Sometimes the only way to survive is to give some low blows. Plus he didn't exactly have anything else I could shoot. So I improvised!" He gave a dual thumbs up and laughed. Integra just shook her head, smirk still present on her face.

"Regardless, well done tonight. If you don't mind my asking; how is it you're able to handle holy artifacts so well ,despite being a Vampire?" Cain held his cross and started to twirl it before putting it back where it was meant to be.

"Well, when you're raised in a place where almost everything around you is a holy artifact you tend to become pretty tolerant pretty fast. Some still hurt though, don't get me wrong. My cross though, I've had this thing for years so I don' feel anything when holding it. Those pages certainly hurt though. Been a while since I've had to deal with something like that. I'm gettin' soft."

Integra gave him a pat on the shoulder.

"Your quick acting kept both you and the Police Girl alive, so well done." Cain looked at the departing Integra before calling out.

"Did you just give me a compliment?" She turned back and pushed up her glasses.

"I'm not always a dark and bland person. I give praise where it is deserved, Cain. Remember that." She then left the Vampire to himself. He looked to the large amounts of blood that adorned the ground.

"Hmm, wonder what Iscariot is doing all the way out here, though. Or who's behind all these Vampires. Maybe it's... Nah... Couldn't be. I hope it isn't. Ah shit I need a drink. Snips! Let's go bowling!"

* * *

"Gentlemen. We are Nazis!" The people called out in German loudly.

"Unt we will have war!" They called out once more.

"Unt we... will take what is rightfully ours!" Back behind the crowd was one person who just scoffed at them all.

"Fools... All of them." She looked at the others around her and growled.

"I just hope that toad keeps up his end of the deal, so I can find Cain."

* * *

"Ya wanted to see me?" Cain stepped into the office where Integra sat waiting.

"I want you to started working more closely with Alucard. I'm going to get right to the point." Cain nodded slowly and then gave a very confused face.

"And you needed to call me here to say that? You gave me a phone. You could have called me." He pulled out his phone and pointed at the green phone icon.

"That's the call button. Give it a shot sometime." Integra motioned him to sit.

"But before that, I need you to go to Italy. And find Anderson and confront him. Give him this." She pulled out a letter and handed it to him.

"If you must fight him then do so. But don't die, Cain. We will have need of you in the future." Cain nodded and put the note into his pocket.

"Should I be off?" She nodded and motioned into the darkness. A young girl who was slightly older than Seras stepped out. She had red hair that grew darker at the tips and bowed.

"She was in a black Lolita styled dress that went down to the ground and dragged behind her. She had two large bows that adorned both sides of her head.

"This is Kita. She'll be going with you. According to everyone in Hellsing, she does not exist. Do you understand?" Cain looked to Integra and chuckled.

"This is some Mission Impossible bullshit, ain't it?" Integra smirked and handed Cain two plane tickets.

"Get going."

* * *

"This is boring!" Cain was rolling in his chair on the plane while Kita sat silently with her hands folded in her lap. Her eyes were closed and she didn't make a single noise.

"We should kill he pilots and fly this thing. Could be a fun experience." He looked out the window and saw how high up they were.

"Change my mind." He looked at Kita and started to wave his hand in front of her face which did nothing to stir the girl.

"Do you do anything?" She opened an eye and Cain gasped when he saw them. They were silver. He stood and looked for his gun. When he saw I he slowly inched towards it and aimed it at her.

"What the hell was Integra thinking, putting me in a plane with a Cressen?" Kita just blinked a few time before sighing. She closed her eyes once more and Cain studied her closer. Then he saw the bracelets around her wrists.

"Restrictors, eh? Real question is do they work?" Kita smirked and motioned Cain to sit. Cain slowly moved to his chair and sat.

"Now I see why she didn't want word of your existence getting out." He placed the gun on the table in front of them and smirked.

"I know what we can do!" He unloaded the gun until only one bullet remained. He then closed it and spun the cylinder. He was counting the clicks as it spun and knew he needed to fire first.

"Russian Roulette! I'll go first." He fired the gun at his head which gave off a click. He handed it to Kita who opened her eyes to stare at the gun. She sighed and picked it up. She fired at her head and there was a click. She then started to fire it at Cain quickly. He panicked and she stopped on the bullet. She placed the gun back on the table and went back to her serene state.

"Well... Shit. Hopefully fighting Anderson is as exciting as that."

* * *

"Ok. Here's the plan. We kick down the door, I'll shoot him in the dick like five times. We drop the letter and run like hell. Deal?" Kita shook her head and swiped the letter from him. She then knocked on the door and waited patiently. Cain quickly moved his head from the door to Kita in confusion.

"He's gonna try to kill me. I'll give him three seconds before he throws a blade at me. The another two before he calls me a heathen." They heard footsteps and the door opened. Anderson looked at them and Cain started counting.

 _"One... Two... Three... Shit! Blade!"_ He jumped away from the blades while Kita warped away in a dim silver flash. He once more started to count.

 _"One... Two."_

"You filthy heathens dare attack me in my home!" Cain threw his arms in the air and pointed at Anderson while looking at Kita.

"I fuckin' told ya!" Kita gave an annoyed glare and then held her hands up peacefully and held the letter forward. Anderson slightly lowered his blades and stepped forward.

"What's that then?" Cain shrugged.

"Boss lady didn't say. Just take it and we'll be on our way." Anderson took the letter and placed it delicately in his pocket.

"I'll take the letter, but I'm not going to let you leave, Cain. For far too long you have eluded me. Now, I'll kill you." Anderson drew his holy blades once more while Cain pulled out his cross. He motioned Kita back and looked to Anderson.

"I'll make you a deal. I land a blow that would kill a normal man and I can go. You kill me and I die. Fair?" Anderson thought about it before nodding.

"Very well. I'll give you a chance heathen." He sheathed a blade and Cain smirked.

"Ah, you shouldn't have." Anderson smirked and pulled it back out.

"Then I won't."

"Fuck."

"That mouth keeps gettin you in trouble, Cain." The Vampire nodded sadly and raised his cross.

"I noticed, Andy." They stared at each other for a few seconds before Anderson charged him. Cain turned to mist and darted across the ground, floating towards him quickly. Cain rose out of the ground and immediately went for his throat. Anderson blocked and swung at Cain's head. He turned his neck to mist and the blade went through harmlessly. He then head butted Anderson and felt the glasses that adorned the Priest's face break.

They separated and Cain chuckled.

"Now you can't see." Anderson pulled out another pair of glasses and Cain started to stutter.

"Who in the actual fuck carries two pairs of glasses on them!" Anderson smirked.

"I do." They rushed each other again when a large silver and black wall appeared in between them. Kita's arm had turned into a silver wall and her silvers eyes gave off a faint glow. The wall was transparent so Cain and Anderson could still see each other.

"Hellsing has a Cressen!?" Cain nodded and leaned towards the wall.

"I know right!? I just found out too! Well, on the plane ride over I did." Anderson sheathed his blades and walked towards the girl who had lowered the wall. When Anderson stood over her Cain got ready to fight. Anderson then gave a pat to the girl's head.

"Wouldn't want to fight one of you unprepared. I'll let you both go. Next time though. I'll be ready." Kita smiled and gave a courteous bow to him. Anderson looked to Cain and scowled.

"Why can't you be that kind?" Cain looked around before pointing to himself. Anderson nodded.

"Yes you." Cain pointed at Anderson and chuckled.

"I'm a Cowboy. Here's how we show respect." Cain tipped his hat to Anderson and smirked.

"Besides, I'm not that bad." Both Anderson and Kita started to nod to him and he crossed arms in a pouting manner.

"Well then. I know who's on my side." Kita walked back to him and motioned for him to follow. Cain nodded and turned to Anderson.

"Hey Andy!" Anderson turned to him and nodded.

"When someone comes to your door and KNOCKES, odds are, they want to either give you something or visit you. Ok?" Anderson sighed and pushed up his glasses and glared at Cain.

"I'll remember that, heathen." Cain waved goodbye and called out, "Bye, Andy! Kill you next time!" Kita only groaned when he said that. He leaned down to the small girl.

"Do you ever talk?" She glared at him and then spoke softly in a smooth regal voice, "Only to those who deserve it." Cain thought about it and then smiled.

"You just spoke, so I'm worthy, right!?" Kita said nothing back and Cain lost his smile.

"You're going to be one of those bitches ain't ya?" She turned away and they started to head back to the airport.

* * *

"How did the mission go?" Cain smirked and pretended to brush something off his shoulders.

"Great, no problem. Would do it again in a heart beat."

"We started to fight him and Cain made a foolish gamble. I had to intervene to help him keep his head." Integra nodded before saying, "Thank you, Kita. You may return to your room." As soon as the Cressen had left Cain placed his hands on Integra's desk and forcefully asked, "Why didn't you tell me you had a Cressen roaming the grounds!?" Integra adjusted the cigar in her mouth and leaned back in her chair.

"She does not roam the grounds. She stays in her room and hibernates. She is not like the ones of old, cruel and dark. She is kind and calm. She did not know she was Cressen until recently. I had her join a few years ago. The only other one who knows about her is Alucard." Cain nodded and sat down.

"Where's her room?" Integra shook her head.

"I'm not telling you that. She doesn't need you tormenting her more then she already is." Cain leaned forward.

"What do you mean?"

"The bracelets are not restrictors. They are defense bands to keep her safe from the temptations of her ancestors. They wish to corrupt her so I placed those on to keep her safe. As long as she wears them she is harmless, unless she wants to kill something that is." Cain nodded slowly and then stood.

"Well, that was a good talk. I'm going to go find and torment her now." Integra shook her head slowly.

"Of course you are. Well, good luck in finding her."

* * *

"What are you doing?" Cain turned to see Seras watching him in confusion.

"Looking for a secret passage."

"To what?" Cain knocked on the wall and grinned.

"A room." He pulled a painting off the wall and saw an indent. He pushed and the wall moved in like a door. Seras jumped back and gasped. Cain chuckled darkly and turned to Seras.

"You're scary, you know that right?" Cain nodded and went into the wall. There was a hallway that was all stone and it was cold. There were torches, though they were dim and Cain recognized them as ever burners. Torches that never went out unless you put them in water. They came to a wooden door and Cain turned the handle, motioning for Seras to stay quiet.

He slowly opened the door and was surprised at what he saw. Kita laying on her back, but she was floating in silvery silken waves above her bed. Cain wanted to ask why she even had one if she floated. He stepped in and took out some shaving cream. He then sprayed some in her hand and pulled out a feather.

"Seras," He whispered, "You may want to run, quietly." Seras nodded before backing away slowly. Cain waited a minute before tickling Kita's nose with the feather. She grumbled and her hand twitched. Cain chuckled silently and kept doing the same action. Eventually her hand almost reached her face. He tickled her once more and her hand flew up and slapped onto her face, a wet squelch echoing out.

Cain's smile grew to such a size that it looked like his face would split. He backed away slowly when there was a groan behind him. He turned and saw Kita slowly lowering to the bed and the silver disappeared. Cain panicked and ran out the door quickly. He shut it quietly and made his way back to his room. He hid under his bed and waited.

"CAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIN!" He started to feel terror in ever bone of his body.

"What have I done?"

 **There we go. Now, my goal is to have this happen every chapter. In the beginning you get some stupid Cain antics, then the middle normal story progress and stuff. Then at the end we will have a super random Cain antic like the one with Kita. As for what a Cressen is? I'll explain later. Just wanted someone to go do some stupid stuff with Cain is all, ya know?**

 **Anywho, keep calm and may the Aura be with you all! Don't forget to review on if you liked it or not. You can also PM me if you don't want to review. Peace!**


	4. Bitches Love Canons

**If you read the name of the chapter then you'll have an idea of what kind of chapter this will be. Hehe! Let the hilarity ensure. Anywho, here we go my friends!**

Cain was a very basic person. He didn't ask for much, and when he asked for something it wasn't very much. However, there were those moments when he was so entranced by something then he had to have it. This was how he felt when he saw the gun in the catalogue. He had begged and even cried to Integra in hopes of getting it. It was the Sly Head Counter Bolt-Action rifle. Twelve bullets in the magazine plus one in the chamber and had sights that were able to switch between iron and a scope with the flick of your fingers.

So here Cain was, in Integra's office with his hands folded in his lap and his head down.

"Why should I get this rifle for you, Cain?"

"Cuz, I kill Vampires, I have been on my best behavior, and I would kick some major ass with it!" Integra pushed up her glasses and smirked.

"I'll make a deal with you. I ordered the gun, and I'll give it to you on one condition." Cain nodded his head quickly and excitedly.

"Anything!"

"You have to stay in the basement tonight. The committee is coming over and I don't need you putting thumb tacks on their chairs." Cain chuckled uneasily.

"I would never! You have a deal by the way." Integra nodded and then leaned back in her chair.

"Then go see Walter in Alucard's room." Cain nodded and left the room. Though instead of heading for Alucard's room he went to where the committee would be meeting.

"Gotta get rid of those thumb tacks!"

* * *

"Walter! Where's my gun!? I neeeeeeeeed it!" The old butler smiled when Cain came sprinting down the stairs and into Alucard's room where both Alucard and Seras where already waiting.

"I have it, Sir. But you must wait your turn." Cain visibly deflated like a balloon and started to whimper on the floor. Walter opened up a small case and handed Alucard a large black pistol. He then proceeded to explain what the ins and outs of the gun were before turning to Cain. The Cowboy started to shake in excitement before Walter walked right past him and started to talk to Seras.

"No!" He once more flattened into the ground. He then heard Seras shout, "What the hell is that!?" Cain turned around to see Walter holding a very large, very beautiful canon in his hands with an annoyed face written on every part of his face.

"This is a very good gun, Miss Victoria. One that should suit you very well if you would try it before making judgments." Now it was Seras' turn to deflate into the ground while Cain shot up and had sparkles in his eyes.

"Now, Master Cain. Your gun is right here." Walter opened the case and handed Cain the rifle. To most it looked like a piece of junk rifle from the 1800's. But to Cain, he saw only perfection.

"Look at you, my love. The perfect black wooden stock! The sleek, sexy grey barrel! That kinky lever action! Fuck I've got a boner!" Everyone in the room turned to the Vampire who was drooling on the floor while hugging and making cooing noises to his gun.

"What in the actual fuck, Cain?" He turned to them and smiled.

"You cannot tell me this gun doesn't turn you on. Raise your hand if this is a sexy gun." Cain immediately shot his hand up, while Walter slowly raised him, looking slightly embarrassed. Seras then nodded and raised hers. Everyone looked to Alucard who flinched. He started to raise his hand when his other forced it back down.

"I will not play your games." Cain walked forward and held the gun up to Alucard who looked at the gun like it was his first born child. Cain then smirked as the ancient Vampire raised his hand and turned to Walter.

"I want one." Seras raised her hand and nodded quickly.

"I want one too!"

"You've got a canon, Snips." Seras frowned and pointed to Cain's gun.

"But yours is so cool! I've only got a canon." Cain picked up Seras' canon and waved it around.

"Are you shitting me!? Bitches love canons!" Alucard smirked.

"So you're a bitch?" Cain thought about it before nodding.

"I suppose I am. Also, you made a joke. I'm rubbing off on you! HA!" Alucard thought about it before grumbling something under his breath about how, "Cain is a stupid mother fucker." This only made him smile. Then there was the shaking and they all exchanged quick glances. The phone started to ring and Water quickly answered it. He said a few words to who they could guess was Integra. He put the phone down and turned to them.

"We've got visitors. We need to split up and defeat them from both sides. Alucard will come at them from the basement level, me and Miss Victoria will come at them from the third floor. Cain, you can pick where to strike from." He stroked his chin in thought before grinning.

"The middle." With that he disappeared into a vent in his mist form and left the others in slight confusion and smiles.

"Leave it to Master Cain to think of the most blatantly obvious answers to everything."

* * *

Cain casually meandered his way through the hall while humming Bad Romance to himself and making small dance moves. Then he saw them. Ghouls. HE smirked and then cleared his throat.

"Gah Gah Oolala! Roma Romama! Gah Gah Oolala! Watch out Cain romance!" He came to the first Ghoul and severed the head with a spinning kick, all while singing the song loudly, obnoxiously, and proudly. He just replaced some of the words here and there to fit him in, in some way shape or form. When he finished he dropped to a knee and shouted, "Watch out Cain romance!" He looked around and stood up before brushing some flesh off his shoulder.

"Knocks 'em dead, every time. Damn I'm a sexy bitch! Where's my canon!?" When nobody answered he stroked his chin in thought.

"Wonder what Kita's doing? I'll go bug her!" He started to chuckle darkly to himself and make his way down the hall.

"Kiiiiiitaaaaaaaaaa! Notice me, Senpai!"

* * *

Kita sat up quickly and shivered.

"I sense a disturbance in the Force."

"Kiiiiiitaaaaaaaaa! Notice me, Senpai!" She groaned and made her way to the door. She grabbed the holy frying pan she had asked Walter to get her and waited. When Cain burst through the door he shouted her name happily but was confused when he didn't see her. Then she struck. She slammed the holy metal pan into his head with all the force she could muster, knowing it wouldn't kill him. She wouldn't be that lucky. She just hoped it would knock a couple bolts into place and he would become relatively normal.

"Shitting Hell in the bread basket! Son of a biscuit with hot fudge on top and purple sprinkles." Well... There was hoping for normality. Cain recovered quickly like she knew he would and looked at her.

"Well played. But now's not the time for hurting me. We're being invaded so you may want to hurt the bad guys. Just a thought, not like I just did that to a group of Ghouls while looking like a sexy motherfucker. Which I always am... Yaaaaaaaa. Cain logic is the best." Cain looked at her eyes and saw they just seemed darker, not to mention the bags under her eyes. Cain leaned close and smiled warmly.

"Is someone having a bad day?" Kita scowled and Cain spread his arms wide.

"Someone needs a hug! Come here, girlie!" He wrapped his arms around the Cressen who had to bite her cheeks to keep herself from breaking out of his grip and slicing his head off. All it would do is buy her a few seconds of peace and then he would get up and be twice as annoying. Cain let her down and smiled.

"Better?" She looked into his dark red eyes and then walked past him, giving a hard shove and a grumble of annoyance, mixed with a lot of anger. Cain smirked to himself then followed her, bouncing to some music beat in his head.

"I'll take that as a major yes. Who wants to hear a story!?"

"No!"

* * *

They reached the third floor, finding very little resistance along the way, blowing through them either literally with Cain's revolvers/shotgun/rifle/drop kick. (He was "Super fuckin' happy I just drop kicked that skimpy bitch into big meaty chunks!" Though Kita just shook her head) When they arrived they saw Walter facing off against what looked like an army of Ghouls with heavy armor and shields equipped, and a strangely dressed man leading them. Cain cupped his mouth and shouted, "Hey!" The man turned to them, confusion on his face.

"Who the fuck are you?" Cain pulled his cloth over his face and deepened his voice.

"I'm Batman!" Nobody said anything except for Seras who shouted out, Goddammit, Cain!" The cowboy smirked and pulled down the cloth.

"I'm just shanking you doodle." Pause at what he just said.

"Now I'm just going to yank your doodle." More pause and looks of disgust. Kita tapped Cain's shoulder and he leaned down to her. She whispered into his ear and everyone waited. Cain nodded and made an, "Ooooooooh!" sound before standing and clearing his throat.

"I have to apologize. I said that backwards. But I can yank a doodle if I had to. Though it would not be very enjoyable."

"Master Cain, we are in the middle of a fight for our lives and Hellsing manor. Can you not be... you right now?" Cain looked at his right arm like he was checking a non-existent watch.

"Sorry, Walter. It's nine. I'm afraid I'm always Cain from the times of 1 to 1, Monday through Monday."

"So, wait..." The man began.

"This guy's always like this?" Everyone simultaneously nodded their heads.

"I feel sorry for you guys." More nods. Cain looked at Walter and frowned.

"Who's side are you on?"

"Sir Integra's." Cain looked at the ground and hummed silently.

"Okey..." Everyone braced for a phrase of stupidity. When none came they all shared glances of confusion. Cain walked up to the man while dodging through the Ghouls, letting out, "Excuse me, pardon me." as he went. When he reached the man he held out his right hand and smiled.

"Guess I'm on your team then." The man eyed him suspiciously before shaking his hand. Cain then drew his gun faster then anyone could see and blew the man's head off.

"Sorry, I was just yanking your doodle. Hollah, Bruh!" He then proceeded to dance happily and everyone collectively face palmed. Kita went up to Walter and sighed.

"I'm going to be now. I'm sure you can take care of the Ghouls, yes?" They both looked back to see both Cain and Seras in a blood rage, tearing off limbs and heads, disemboweling and (In Cain's case) Teabagging the Ghouls.

"I'm... Sure we'll manage." Kita nodded and disappeared in a silver flash. Walter turned to the duo of murderous Vampires and shouted, "Cain, no! We do not do that with corpses! This is not a puppet show, and you cannot shove your hand up the Ghoul's arse to make it talk! What did I just say!? Goddammit!"

"Stop trying to control my life, mom!"

"I'll have you know that I am not trying to control your life! The committee is puking on the floor that I will have to clean later because you are a crazy, irresponsible, idiot, Vampire bastard!"

*Sniffle* "I love you too, Walter! Give me a hug!"

"No! You're covered in blood! Noooooooo! That's disgusting!"

"What in the actual fuck did I just walk into!?"

"Integra! Come play in the blood with me, Walter, and Snips! It's good for your skin and soul, plus it may make you less bitchy."

"CAIN!"

"We fucked up!"

"No, you fucked up."

"ALUCARD!"

"Get him off me before I put a bullet in his head!"

"Mommy, Daddy's not being very nice!"

"Well, sometimes he's like that."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Is there something you want to tell us, Walter?"

"...No, Ma'am. I think I'm going to go fetch the cleaning supplies, then retire to the bath and contemplate my life's choices."

"...What a great day! Can we go to Fiji next!?"

"Fuck all kinds of duck."

"Daddy! Grandma said a bad word!"

"You have three seconds to run before I mount your head in my office."

"Eep! Ninja disappearing act!"

"You're just hiding behind Alucard."

"You can't prove that."

"GET OUT!"

"Sweet Jesus in a church with hookers!"

 **Well, I was dying laughing when I wrote this. I can't imagine how some people are feeling when they read this. Well, welcome to Hellsing manor. Home of Alucard and Cain. Unfortunately. Well, we'll have to wait for the next chapter to what other stupid shit he does, eh? Anywho, keep calm everyone and may the Aura be with you!**

 **Cain: Hugs!**

 **LucarioKid: Sweet fuck no!**

 **Cain: Bring it in!**

 **LucarioKid: Save me!**


	5. Making Children

**Yes, I named this chapter Making Children. You'll see why at the end. It will be... interesting. Cain will do what he does best. Be Cain. Also, in response to people's comments, I'm glad so many people are enjoying this. To the one person who was confused about Kita and the secret character who we briefly saw, I have them all in there for a specific reason.**

 **Kita is there for multiple reasons, the main one being she is the one to keep up and work with Cain most of the time. Integra has Walter, Alucard has Seras, Anderson has those two people whose names I don't remember because they weren't there long. So Cain needs someone. He gets Kita! Whether that be for the better or worse of things, we'll see won't we?**

 **If anyone has any questions then please ask them. Also, the important thing to note is that I read the reviews but thy don't stick to my bad memory very well. If you want something answered really badly then you have to PM me. If you can't then review. I may forget about it though. Just putting that out there.**

 **Anywho, here we go!**

Cain was sprinting down the halls. He had a plan he had managed to convince Alucard to join in on. When he asked Kita, the Cressen promptly hit him over the head with the frying pan, threatening to, "Gut you if you don't let me sleep, dammit!" Cain pretended to cry, which only made it worse. So he ran before he became a Cain-kabob. He had no idea she could make so many blades and spears out of her body.

He found the room, Alucard waiting outside. The ancient Vampire looked annoyed at his current situation. When he noticed Cain he gave a bored glare.

"Remind me again why we're doing this." Cain held up a finger in a knowing manner.

"We're getting new people today. We have to make sure they're full on believers of us Vampires and what we do here at Hellsing. I tried to get Seras to help, but Integra beat me to it and ordered her not to help me. Kita would never help me and Walter is a stick in the mud. So we're going to show them out stuff. Got it now?" Alucard looked down, crossing his arms before sighing in a low, slightly annoyed manner.

"Very well. If Integra gets upset I'm throwing you under the bus." Cain shrugged.

"Wouldn't kill me. Wouldn't be the first time either." He then rubbed his chin in thought.

"Probably won't be the last either. Anywho, let's do it! Here's the plan."

* * *

"Is this a joke? Vampires!? Pip, this is our job? This is a pile of dog shit!" The boy wanted to protest, but Pip held his hand up.

"Niles, we took the job, it pays well, and we get to hunt ghosts. Be thankful." The boy, along with the others grumbled their distaste at their new job.

"If you want to see a real Vampire, look no further than in that corner." The women known as Integra pointed to the corner to their right, where they could barely make out a girl waving. Pip walked over to her, looking down on her confused.

"This? This is a Vampire? Ha! Look out for the creature of the night!" They all started to taunt her when she flicked Pip on the nose. Their leader started to get a nose bleed and stumbled back from the force. She then repeatedly flicked him until she gave a final one that launched him.

"What the hell!?" The girl smiled.

"Don't mess with a Vampire." They all stared at her when the walls started to peel. There was a loud his around them. Integra let out a groan, followed by a, "Goddammit." Black and red smoke crept out of the vents around the room before pooling together in the middle. The soldiers split away, terrified at what they saw.

 ** _"You call her a real Vampire? I'll show you a real Vampire. Oh, I do have a question though."_** The terrified men started to whimper. Pip managed to get out a, "What?" The mist formed into a man who looked to be from the Wild West times. His red eyes flashed before his arm turned into a large black snake.

 ** _"You kids wanna see a dead body!?"_** The snake rushed at them, when a clap sounded out. The snake hissed in pain before turning back into a mist, flowing into the vents, leaving the Western man who was looking around confused.

"Who turned off the fun show?" Integra stepped forward, glaring at him angrily.

"I did. I thought I ordered you not to mess with the new troops?" Cain rubbed his chin.

"No, I distinctly remember you saying don't have Seras help me. So I got Alucard!" Said Ancient Vampire appeared from the wall, look of annoyance on his face. Integra changed her harsh glare to Alucard.

"And why, pray tell, did you help him, my pet?" Alucard bowed, dipping his hat slightly.

"To be honest, my master, I haven't actually had this much fun in hundreds of years. The look on their faces was priceless. I would do it again in a heartbeat." Integra wanted to be mad, but on the other hand she was happy. She had never seen the Vampire with a sincere grin on his face.

"Very well, next time try to not give them heart attacks please."

"Next time!?" The boy walked to the Western Vampire.

"Just what the hell do you think this is!?" Cain looked to Alucard, the Ancient Vampire giving a slight wink. Cain jumped back, throwing his arms in the air.

"I think this is Hellsing, Biatches!" Behind him illusory explosions were going off as a guitar formed in Cain's hands.

"Hellsing Corp. Fuck ya! Vampires!" Alucard chuckled.

"Fuck ya!"

"Big guns!

"Fuck ya!"

"Girls with big tits!"

"Fuck ya!"

"Strip clubs!"

"... We have one of those?" Cain looked to Alucard, stroking his chin.

"We should. Integra we need a-"

"No, Cain. Now, go sit on your bed like a good boy before I get the spoon." Cain knew what that really meant. He paled.

"Shit dog. Ninja smoke disappearing act!" He coated his right arm in smoke, then threw it at the ground, the smoke rising up around him violently. When it cleared he was gone.

"Holy shit! It actually worked that time!" Integra pushed up her glasses, barely containing her grin.

"Crazy Vampire." She turned to the new men, most of whom had yet to recover.

"Welcome to Hellsing." She went to leave when there was a familiar shout down that hall. After a few seconds Walter came limping in. Integra was about to ask why when she saw Cain grabbing his leg like a child would.

"Walter, I missed you so much!"

"I was getting the mail! I wasn't gone more than thirty seconds! I'm not in my prime anymore, this is painful." Cain started to whimper into Walter's leg.

"Never leave me." The butler sighed, holding out the letter to Integra.

"Sorry to be informal, but I need to fix my..."

"Cain problems?"

"Yes, Ma'am." While Integra started to read the letter, Walter was trying every trick in the book to get Cain off him.

"Cain! Release me or so help me!"

"Don't be so mean, Grandpa!" That did it, as Walter pulled out some black gloves and put them on. Cain saw this and chuckled uneasily.

"Walter, buddy, let's talk about this. Plea-Fuck my arm!" Integra looked back to see Cain with a severed arm.

"Walter, we just got the carpets cleaned. Refrain from getting blood on the carpets."

"Yes, Ma'am. I feel better anyways." Cain picked up his arm, looking at it before smirking. He then started to use his arm to scratch his back.

"Damn that feels awesome! I can scratch my own back now!" The soldiers grimaced at the sight, especially when the fingers of the severed hand moved to form a thumbs up.

"What the hell... We won't last a week." Cain suddenly turned to the boy who said that, his eyes mischievous and threatening.

"Is that a weak willed soul I hear? This... just got a lot better." The boy moved behind Pip.

"Please save me." Pip turned to him and frowned.

"I'll keep you safe from anything to crazy Fascists, to enraged assassins, but with that thing, you're on your own." The boy paled.

"Fuck my life." Integra frowned at the letter.

"Vampires, gear up. We have a meeting to attend. Cain, get Kita, nicely." Cain gave a salute with his severed hand, turning and sprinting down the hall. Integra smiled when he was gone.

"I won't openly admit it, but I do enjoy having him around, Walter. He's good for moral, and keeps things interesting." Walter came up next to her.

"Yes, quiet. He can be a handful at times, but I do find myself enjoying more and more of his company. Especially when he is calm. I only feel sorry for Kita. That poor Cressen girl just wants to sleep and he never leaves her alone. She keeps putting traps in her room to keep him out. They don't work that well. It only makes things harder for me."

Integra chuckled, pulling out a cigar which Walter lit.

"I enjoy it though. Maybe one day he'll be more mature."

"Sir Integra, on that day, Hell will freeze over."

"One can always hope, Walter." He let out a puff of smoke, closing her eyes.

"One can only hope."

* * *

Integra cautiously looked around. She then readjusted the hem of the skirt she was wearing. She hated this type of clothing. She couldn't understand how women wore them. While she was, by no means, gay she just didn't understand how women could wear such things. She preferred the snug fit of a suit over the casual nothingness of a skirt any day.

She scanned the area around her once more. Walter was next to her as they pretended to look over the art in the gallery. She hated art. The only reason she had the many paintings in the manor was in remembrance of her father. She could feel the dark presence of Alucard near her, so any fear of getting harmed was nonexistent.

She looked for her other helpers. Seras was pretending to be a guide, waiting for her tourists to arrive. She saw Kita down the hall a small distance, the Cressen had her long hair tied back into a ponytail that trailed down her back resting on the bench she sat on. In front of her was a small stroller where a 'baby' was sleeping and she was watching over it.

Integra scoffed at the idea, seeing as she had never thought much about children or having a family. Maybe in her younger days, but now she had a very important job to do. One that required all of her attention to keep all the people of Great Britain safe from-

"Dag Nabbit!" A forced elderly voice called from the same side of the hall as Kita. Everyone, even thought they were trying to stay in character, looked down to see the cause of the noise. It was none other than Cain in his 'great disguise'. The Vampire was in a suit, holding a cane in his right hand, his large fake beard hiding his face. His 'glasses' slightly shaded and tinted to make his eyes look blue instead of red. Integra may have been fooled by the outfit had it not been for Cain's... Cainness.

She face palmed while Walter let out a groan.

"This is why we can't have nice things." She heard her butler say. She could only nod her head in agreement. She looked at her watch, growling in annoyance.

"We didn't even ask for this meeting and they're late. Typical Iscariot." She was about to leave when she noticed the man she was to meet. Enrico Maxwell, and all his self-proclaimed glory. He was walking towards them, his advisor by his side. This was it. She looked back to Cain, giving a glare that said to act like an old man. He gave her a thumbs up. She turned, not seeing the mischievous glint in his eyes.

Cain watched as the two began to speak back in forth. He then turned to Kita, walking over to her. She tried not to notice him, but was having a hard time not threatening his life. Cain leaned on his cane, stroking his 'beard' sensually.

"Hey there hot stuff. Are you on your period, because I smell blood." Kita dropped her jaw and glared at him in more surprise than anger.

"Why would you even ask a women something like that?" Cain smiled brightly.

"If it's not your blood then it must be," He started to raise his voice, "That bitch Enrico Maxwell over there who is trying to have a dick fighting competition with a women." They all turned to him. Cain then leaned over, changed to his old man voice and walked over to Enrico.

"Why back in my day, we had dicks big enough to slay Werewolves with! What have you got!? Oh ya, nothing!" Enrico crushed the glasses he was holding in his hand.

"Andersoooooon!" At the end of the hall was none other than Alexander Anderson. Cain smirked, walking towards the armed priest. **(Listen to the song Ratbag for the perfect situation song)**

"Sonny, those there weapons are mighty dangerous. Didn't your mother ever tell you not to carry such dangerous things?" Anderson looked down at Cain, frowning.

"Old man, you best leave here." Everyone stopped. Integra gave Anderson a look that made him ask, "What?"

"That's Cain you bloody fool!" Anderson sheathed his bayonets, reaching down and pulling on the beard. When it moved back Cain's face was visible. The Vampire was sticking his tongue out at the priest, giving a playful wink as he did. Anderson let the beard snap back, sighing sadly.

"I should have known Cain was here when I sensed stupidity." Cain backed up, pointing at Anderson.

"What's that supposed to mean!?" Anderson blinked at him a few times before bluntly saying, "Think long and hard about what I said." Cain tapped his index finger to his chin.

"You know Alucard is here as well? Damn you're good." Anderson snapped his head up at the name, drawing his bayonets and pushing Cain out of the way.

"Heathen! Show yourself!" Alucard casually stepped out of the wall, his hat hiding his upper face.

"Hello, Anderson." Before the two continued, Cain stepped in between them.

"Wait!" both powerful beings stopped. Cain raised a hand up.

"If we're going to have a dramatic anime stand off then let me do the coat throwing thing. Oh, and my monologue like all stuck up heroes/villains do. And then I have to do my hero stance." Anderson looked to Alucard, who had removed his hat and glasses. Alucard shrugged.

"He's going to do it regardless. We may as well let him." Anderson nodded, lowering his bayonets and stepping back.

"Alright lad. Show us." Cain laughed in joy, jumping a little. He then cleared his throat, leaning forward savagely.

"You think that you can come here, threaten my boss, my friends, my family and not get my full attention? Well, Anderson, my mortal enemy, prowler of the day, vanquisher of Nosferatu and priest of a far place, you most certainly have it."

Cain grabbed his left shoulder with his right hand. With one pull his suit, beard and cane were thrown into the air dramatically. When everyone looked back down they saw Cain, with his back to Anderson, the brim of his hat hiding his upper face, his shoulder hiding the bottom of his face up to just above his nose. His cloak, despite there not being any wind, was blowing furiously in the 'wind'. He turned, drawing his revolvers and spinning them quickly.

"Now we must duel to the death!" He finished by aiming at Anderson. His grim expression faded and he smiled.

"How was that?" Anderson smiled.

"It was actually pretty good. Now, why can't you be that serious and cool all the time?" Cain flinched, his demeanor changing.

"I'm always cool. At least Cowboys have a cool connotation with them. What do priests have? Oh right, you have the little Timmy and crotch binding thing. My bad." Anderson shook his head, sighing in annoyance.

"Cain if I had a nickel for every time you do something stupid, I'd have enough money to take in and feed all the orphans of the world." Alucard chuckled.

"Just try living with him." Anderson looked at the Vampire, pity on his face.

"I truly pity you and your situation." Cain holstered his guns, walking over to Alucard. He pointed a finger at Alucard maliciously.

"Did you make him say that!?" Alucard was about to argue when Cain shut Alucard mouth.

"I don't want to hear it young man! You're grounded! Your mother and I are very disappointed! Aren't we, Kita?" The Cressen just gave him a blank stare.

"Really?"

"Well ya. You can't kill me, and last time I pulled something like that with Integra many dark things happened." Cain looked back to Alucard.

"Go to your room!" Alucard moved his head back and went to argue when Cain pinched Alucard's ear, pulling him down.

"What did I say!?"

"Owowowow! Go to my room! Ouch!"

"Now what are you going to do?"

"Ow! Go to my room like a good boy." Cain released Alucard's ear, pointing down the hall.

"Now go! We'll talk when daddy gets home from work. Got it?" Alucard nodded, turning to Integra and shrugging. The Ancient Vampire walked down the hall, head held low. Cain placed his hand on his hips in slight anger. he turned to Kita.

"He gets it from your side of the family." She stood up.

"Me!? If anything he gets it from you! Bloody Cowboy!" Cain walked up to her.

"Oh right, because I'm the one who only wants to sleep and place traps to kill people!"

"I only place those traps to kill you, you bloody fool! I have to sleep so I won't be corrupted by my dark ancestors!"

"You haven't slept any more then a normal person would for weeks!"

"How would you know that!?" Cain switched to a creeper voice.

"I watch you sleep. Because I know where you live." Nobody said anything. Cain then looked down at Kita's chest slightly. The Cressen quickly covered it with her left, smacking the Vampire across the face with her right. Her face was bright red.

"Pervert!" Cain gasped.

"It's only perverted if you're caught! I'm a ninja."

"So you admit it!?"

"No. I just said I was a ninja. There's a difference. Though I will say you have some nice curves." Kita started to get silver swirls around her. Cain knew what that meant. He turned to everyone and gave dual peace signs.

"I am not a crook!" He then sped down the hall, and angry, blushing Kita right behind him.

"I'll kill you! Nobody looks at me whilst I change!"

"You don't get a choice!"

"Mother Fucker!"

"Kita! Not around the kids!"

"Shut up! We don't have kids!"

* * *

 **In An Alternate Dimension**

"Hey there hot stuff. Kids asleep?"

"Yes, Walter wanted to practice with his new glove blades and clean the whole house. Integra was trying to boss around Alucard again and Seras shouting she wanted a canon."

"What about Alexander?"

"He was looking at pictures of newborns, drooling all over himself." There was silence before Cain chuckled.

"I love our kids."

"Me too, now fuck me and we'll make another one."

"What will we name the next one?"

"Hmm... How about Pip?"

"I like it. his middle name will be Bernadotte. I hope he has an French accent."

"Me too. Now, take me!"

"Imma firing my laser!"

* * *

 **With that ending? Don't ask. Seriously, don't ask. If you have ever seen Atlantis then think of the part where Sweets say, "Trust me, you don't want to know. Which reminds me, you don't wanna know." So let me reiterate for those who are stupid. You don't wanna know. Hopefully this made you smile, or laugh because you were dying. To that one guy who said his Brain Cells committed suicide... You're welcome? Not sure if that's good or bad? Please tell if it's good or bad, so I can laugh and use that expression, or use it anyways, but in a different scenario.**

 **Anywho, here's everyone's mission, if you don't do it then Cain will come into your rooms at night and be Cain. You have to tell me your favorite part from this chapter, whether it be in the reviews or through PM.**

 **Cain: Tell him, or you may as well be calling me Santa Clause.**

 **LucarioKid: What are you doing here!?**

 **Cain: You didn't leave a review.**

 **LucarioKid: I'm the author, I don't leave reviews.**

 **Cain: Then I won't leave.**

 **LucarioKid: How are you going to bother the other people?**

 **Cain: I have my ways. *Wink Wink***

 **LucarioKid: Get the fuck outta my house and back into the story with you ya heathen!**

 **Cain:... *Sniff* I missed you too Anderson! *Hugs***

 **LucarioKid: Sweet Christ what have I done?**


	6. Dandy Dick

**#Dandy Dick for president! Also, in case you guys didn't know, Cain (And one other character) are now my mascots for my stuff. Both are very similar to each other, and crazy! Since you know Cain, let me introduce you to Owain!**

 **Owain: My Sword Hand trembles at the great amount of honor and pride I feel! Can't... Control!**

 **Cain: He's gonna blow!**

 **LucarioKid: Shit! Take cover!**

 **Owain: Huuuurrraaaaaahhhhhh!**

 **Cain: Tactical nuke incoming!**

 **LucarioKid: What's tactical about a nuke!?**

 **Cain: Ask the dipshits who made it!**

 **Owain: NOW SWORD HAND!**

 **LucarioKid: Sweet Jesus in a manger with goats!**

 **Cain: Took the words right outta my mouth! Shit, here he comes!**

"I'm on a boat motherfuckers! Take a good look at me and my motherfucking boat!"

"Cain! We're on a plane! For the twentieth time!" Cain slowly turned to look at Niles, the young mercenary who was training under Pip. The small red had sucked in a breath at the sudden glare of the Vampire.

"You're right! What was I thinking!?" Cain sprinted down the cabin, bowling over the Stewardess, chanting, "Move bitch! Get out the way! Get out the way bitch, get out the way!" Niles face palmed loudly.

"Whose smart idea was it to be stuck in a pressurized metal bird with a crazy ass Vampire?" Alucard raised his hand. Niles flipped the bird to the old Vampire, who only chuckled. Kita sighed.

"You get used to it. I have made a couple flights with him before. Be thankful getting through the airport that easily. First time he was detained."

"What did he do?"

"Here's a much better question for you, young Niles. What didn't he do?"

* * *

 _"Sir, I won't take your racist comments anymore! Do you know why!?" All the guards looked between each other confused. Cain placed a hand on his hip._

 _"Because I am a strong black women!" He wagged his finger at them."_

 _"Sir, we have to detain you because you were trying to board a plane with three grenades, five pistols, a Panzershreck, and a turkey. A live turkey might I add." Cain looked behind him to see a guard with a turkey on a leash._

 _"Don't talk about Owain that way." The guards face palmed. There was the sound of someone clearing their throat. They turned to see Kita._

 _"I have to ask for you to release my cousin. He wouldn't have done anything. He's just paranoid." Cain jumped into Kita's arms, the Cressen looking around confused._

 _"I thought they had taken you away and put you into a crazy work camp!" She sighed, patting his back in a comforting manner._

 _"Can we go?" The guards were so confused by what they were seeing that all they could do was nod._

 _"Thank you." She said while giving the best bow she could, considering she had a crazy Cain on her. She walked away, trying to shush Cain, who had started crying._

 _"Those two are weird. And we just let them on the plane."_

 _"Glad I'm not going up there with them."_

* * *

"He really brought a turkey?"

"Sure did! He's here right now!" They turned to see Cain holding a turkey in his hands. The creature was gobbling at them.

"How did you get that on the plane!?" Cain took the turkey and put it under his shirt.

"Remember that pregnant women at the airport who 'accidentally' went on our plane?"

"Clever boy."

"I was wondering how she seemed to have gotten really skinny after she got off." Cain let the turkey out, cheering it on as it chased the Stewardess down the hall.

"Use your Sword Hand, Owain! Atta boy!" They went to the back of the plane, Cain laughing the whole time. He sat next to Niles, brushing up against him.

"Howdy! Do you like Cowboys!?"

"When they aren't being bloody idiots? Yes. You? No." Cain thought about it, then flopped on top of the mercenary.

"Kita! Can I keep him!" Kita looked up from her book, calmly. She had gotten over the comments and his facts that he had been watching her sleep a few hours ago. While she was still mad she found out he had only seen her sleep, not without her clothes.

"No. Niles belongs to Master Pip. Unless Mister Bernadotte would like to give the young boy to you. Though I must refrain you from pulling a... Anderson, as you like to call it." Cain started to laugh loudly.

"I'm straight! These Vampire candies will only treat women!" He stood, starting to air hump the air. Alucard smirked at him.

"I doubt you have ever had the joy of doing the 'No Pants Dance'" Cain lost his happiness.

"Nope. Even in the Wild West the whores stayed away from me. And they wanted to have sex with everyone! Even the guy with dick warts got more dance parties than me! What the fuck!?" Alucard laughed at the Cowboy.

"Some people just don't have game." Cain looked down his pants, causing everyone to groan.

"There's game in there. It just doesn't get to play. It's a bench warmer. One day!" He stood on the table, striking an 'anime pose'.

"One day, I shall find that special someone who can tolerate me and wants Deez Nuts!" Kita closed her nook so it let out a snap.

"Get off the table, sit down, and behave." While she had managed to find more patience for him and his antics, she still had a limit and it was especially obvious when she was reading. Cain nodded, sitting and reaching into his bag.

He pulled out a grenade.

"No." So he threw it behind him. Niles and Pip started to panic. Cain pulled out another, though it was bigger.

"Nope!" He threw that one as well. He then picked up the backpack, turning it over and shaking it. Dozens of explosives fell out of the bag and rolled across the floor.

"How did he get that through security!?" Cain gave the bag one more shake when a book fell on tope of the pile. He put the book on the table, pushing the pile of grenades towards the emergency door. He opened the door, holding on to the side, while Pip and Niles started to scream in bloody murder.

Cain picked up a grenade, pulling the pin and pressing the little handle. He then threw the grenade out the door. Watching as it exploded a way behind the plane.

"Yay! Fireworks!" Then used his mist to pull the pins and prime all the grenades, pushing them out. They exploded with such a forced that caused the plane to rock slightly. Cain laughed, then shut the door. He sat back down, grabbing his book, licking his index finger and opening the book. He looked up at pale and barely conscious Pip and Niles.

"What's wrong with you two? Don't like Fireworks?"

"S-something like that... Ugghh." Kita shook her head, before focusing on the book Cain was reading.

"I didn't know you read." Cain smiled.

"Something to do when you can't be a Vampiric Denice the Menace." She gave a small laugh. Though now her curiosity was peaked.

"What are you reading?" Cain gave a quick glance to the cover.

"50 Shades of Grey." The whole plane got quiet.

"You know what that book is about right?" Cain shook his head.

"I was told it was good, so I got it. The lady gave me weird looks though. Not sure why. I guess I'll find out." Kita shook her head, retuning to her own book for comfort. A half an hour later Cain viciously threw the book across the cabin of the plane, striking the head of the Stewardess and knocking her unconscious. Cain was pale, gripping the chair tightly.

"Why would someone write a book like that!? That was torture to the highest degree! That was like one of those really bad Fanfictions where the person has two characters who absolutely hate each other, fuck each other until the other explodes and dies! What the fuck!?"

Kita giggled at his expense. Cain then rubbed his chin.

"I give it one star."

"Why one?"

"She spelled the words right at least." Collective face palms.

"What!?"

"Nothing Cain. Just take a nap. Please. It was nice when it was quiet." As much as Cain wanted to, the look in Kita's eyes made him sigh.

"Fine mom!" He stood up, walking past the downed Stewardess and chuckling.

"Who says books are worthless. Books are knowledge and knowledge is power!" He leaned close to the Stewardess, pushing her hair from her ear.

"Sleep tight my child." Was all he whispered before he turned to mist and faded away. Kita was about to relax and return to her book when Niles got their attention.

"Isn't that where the cockpit is?" As he said that the plane started to dive down.

"Cain!" The entire group shouted. All they could here from the front was, "Take a good look at me and my motherfucking plane! Whoo!"

* * *

"Here's the hotel. Cain, you are not allowed to say anything while we're here, got it?" Cain looked to Kita and frowned.

"What'd I do!?"

"Considering we almost crashed into the ocean, I am not happy with you right now." Cain started to have his lower lip twitch.

"Don't you dare, we're in public." Cain started to lightly whimper.

"No!"

"Waaaaaaaaah!" Everyone around them looked at the Cowboy and the Victorian, confused. Kita tried to get him to calm down, incredibly embarrassed.

"Please stop! What do you want?" Cain wiped away his tears, sniffling.

"I want a hug." Kita groaned, awkwardly hugging him.

"Better."

"Ya... Much... better." He then fell asleep in her arms. She looked to everyone around her and shyly smiled.

"He hasn't had his nap yet. Come on." She picked him up, carrying him after the others who watched with smiles.

"Why do you put up with him?" She looked to Pip and smiled.

"Because no one else will." **(Remember what I said last chapter? Or was it the one before?**

 **Owain: You're interrupting the story!**

 **LucarioKid: Fuck! I thought it was over!**

 **Cain: We have to kill the bad guy first. You named the chapter Dandy Dick. We have to fight him first.**

 **LucarioKid:... Shit. Sorry everyone!**

Pip shrugged.

"Better you than me. Why did it feel like time stopped momentarily?" Kita shrugged. She had felt it too. She didn't notice the smirk on the sleeping Cain's face.

"*Snore*... Use Aura Sphere!...*Snore*" Kita gave a calming pat to the Vampire's back.

"Let's just get him to his room so he can sleep. Flying screws him up. He was actually worse when we went to visit Anderson. He'll adjust in an hour or so." They went into the hotel, getting more stares from the people as to why a small blood red haired girl was holding a sleeping man who was dressed like a Cowboy. With a coffin behind them, a tall dark, creepy man, and man with an eye patch and an angry red head who was cussing quiet a fair amount for his age.

"Tourists, was all one man could mutter."

* * *

When Cain woke up it was still light out. He rubbed his eyes, looking around his environment. He saw a bed to his right where Niles was laying on his back, flipping through the channels on the T.V with the remote in his hand. Cain looked left to see another bed where Pip was drinking a beer calmly and happily. He stood up, stretching and getting the attention of the two mercenaries.

"Look whose awake after their nappy bye." Cain shrugged.

"Flying is weird for me."

"Ya, Kita told us." Cain immediately perked his head up. He got a devilish grin, then decided he knew what he wanted to do today. Pip caught it.

"No... She looked exhausted, Cain. Like she would drop at any minute. Leave her be." Cain looked at Pip for a few seconds before turning to smoke and heading into the vents.

"Well, can't say I didn't try." The two went back to what they were doing when Niles shut off the T.V.

"What are we going to do?" Pip looked down in a guilty fashion.

"I suppose we should try to stop Cain. Come on." As they reached the door there was a knock. They exchanged concerned glances, reaching for their side arms.

When they opened the door they were greeted with the sight of at least a dozen scantily clad women.

"Mr. Cain sent us to give you two a good time, while he... Tended to some other matters." They exchanged glances and smirked.

"We tried."

"Darn, guess we have no choice but to let you ladies in." Their consciences would rest easy. Besides, they could always just blame Cain. It had worked before, it would work again.

* * *

Cain slipped through the vents, following her scent. He then reached her room. When he entered he slowly floated to the ground, scanning the area. He saw the bed and slowly walked towards it. When he reached it he was about to jump on and create a ruckus when he saw the sleeping Cressen. He felt extreme guilt welling up inside him when he saw her appearance.

She had large bags under her eyes, her skin pale, hair frayed to the sides. She hadn't looked that bad earlier. Then he realized why. She had been using her powers to hide how bad she looked so no one would worry about her. Cain took a step back, eyes glued to her worn face. He looked to her bands, grimacing as he saw silver energy flowing into them. He walked back forward, sighing sadly.

He readjusted her blankets to cover her, brushing her long hair out of her face. She sighed contently, which Cain smiled at. He leaned close, taking in her scent.

"Sleep well. You've earned it for putting up with me. Next time you feel this awful, you need only to tell me, and I shall leave you be. I promise." He faded to mist, going back out that way he came. When he got back to his room he saw half the prostitutes had crowded to Pip's bed, and the rest to Niles. Cain looked around, finding a book that he decided wasn't about hate sex and settled onto his bed. He opened it up and began reading.

* * *

Cain felt a disturbance in the force. He looked to see Niles and Pip still in the middle of their... session. So he just turned to mist and left. He made his way to the roof, following the feeling of dread. He eventually made his way to Alucard and Seras' room. He fazed through the door, to see Alucard standing looking out the window.

"So you feel it too. They are coming for us, Cain. We must ready ourselves. I have your weapons." Cain nodded, following Alucard's gaze to the box. When Cain opened it he got a powerful uppercut by a red boxing glove. He looked to Alucard who was smiling.

"Got you. But in all seriousness, your weapons are under the glove." Cain relinquished his weapons, holstering them and readjusting his cross. He saw Alucard waking up Seras. Cain waited by the window, where Alucard joined him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Alucard sighed.

"She asked me not to. I apologize, my friend." Cain turned to Alucard and smiled.

"You called me a friend." Alucard grumbled to himself.

"You must be hearing things. Here they come."

"Don't you change the subject on me mister!" The door was blown open, but Cain paid it no mind.

"Just because there are a bunch of assholes with guns aimed at us, don't think I'm not going to ignore our conversation! You tell me when she does things like that ok?" Alucard nodded.

"Very well." Cain turned to the enemy.

"Who wants to hear a story!?" He reached for his guns when both him and Alucard were blown into chunky pieces. As the men started to walk away Cain and Alucard reformed. Alucard rushed forward, biting a man's neck and ripping the head off. Cain sprinted forward, ramming both hands into the chest of a SWAT officer. He grabbed the ribs and with one tug removed the man's rip cage.

He then broke off two of the ribs, rushing another man and stabbing the ribs into the man's temples. He then ripped off the head of the man, using the ribs as handles of sorts.

"It's a head-kabob." He then threw the head at another man who was aiming at him. While the man was stunned Cain ran up to him, placing his revolvers under the man's chin.

"Once upon a time." He fired, painting the walls in the man's blood and brain matter. Cain twirled his revolvers before holstering them.

"The end." He turned to see Alucard glaring at a downed man. The man fired into his head, killing himself. Cain flinched slightly. He hadn't expected that.

"Pussed out like a bitch!" Him and Alucard both chuckled. Alucard then went to go talk to his protégée and Cain went to the window. He noticed large crowds of people outside. He gave a demonic smirk, turning to Alucard.

"They're sending more. Things are just heating up!" Alucard returned the smirk, drawing his two pistols again.

"Then let's move out. Police Girl, watch us from above. Only interfere if necessary." She nodded, heading for her canon and other weapons.

Cain reloaded his pistols, making sure his shotgun was loaded and that he had a bullet in the chamber of his rifle. He doubted he was going to use the rifle, but wanted to be sure just in case. Him and Alucard went to the door, stacking up on either side. Cain on the left and Alucard on the right. Cain pulled the cloth over his face before kicking the door open, both of them walking forward.

The men on either side looked at them, terrified expressions on their faces. Cain turned to his side, pulling back the hammers on his pistols.

"I ordered room service an hour ago. You're late." He used his fore arm to twirl the cylinders, listening with joy as they let out satisfying clicks. Cain aimed his guns at them.

"I don't tolerate tardiness." He started to fire quickly, blowing the SWAT officers into bloody smears on the wall. He counted down his bullets, when he hit zero he opened the cylinders, spinning them so the empty cartridges dropped to the ground with clinks. He used his mist to quickly load his guns, then flicked them to the side, popping the cylinders back in. He pulled back the actions once more, aiming towards the retreating officers.

"Round two." Though he and Alucard did not fire. They merely walked forward calmly. The men started to try to close the door. Then one of the men started to press the open button, his friends panicking. Cain smiled under the cloak. When they reached the reclosing door they both placed a gun barrel through, causing the door to slowly open.

Cain and Alucard walked in, the Cowboy pushing the bottom floor button.

"Going down?" The men backed as far away from them as they could. Cain punched the first floor button, cracking it.

"So are we! What a coincidence! Let's entertain ourselves on the way down shall we?" When the door opened on the first floor Cain and Alucard walked out, calm expressions on their faces. Cain looked back to all the bodies in the elevator.

"That was fun, let's do it again sometime, shall we?" Him and Alucard walked forward, the latter using his powers to force the SWAT officers through the window and be impaled on the flag poles.

"That's like getting a ringer seven times. Only more bloody and fun." Cain and Alucard walked towards the screaming crowd. They both stood there, smirking their bloody smirks into the crowd. Then a man walked forward, his tan suit and hat standing out from the SWAT officers who had formed a wall in front of everyone.

"Greetings, Vampiros. I see you know how to make yourselves known." Cain chuckled loudly.

"Last I checked, people already knew we were here. So we may as well have some fun with it!" The man took a bow.

"Very well said, Mister Cain. Nice to meet both you and the might Alucard in person." Cain narrowed his eyes in confusion.

"Who are you then?"

"Most people just call me the Dandy Man." Cain started to snicker and looked to Alucard.

"Don't say it. We're on T.V and have to look professional." Cain ignored him and started to full on laugh.

"Nice to meet you... Dandy Dick!" Dandy scowled, drawing a deck of cards.

"I'll make you eat those words."

"Like you eat dick!? You walked right into that one!" Dandy threw three cards at them, which the Vampiric duo responded to by jumping away to safety. When Cain landed he drew his pistols, aiming as the running Dandy. He rushed towards the dealer, firing at him. He was annoyed when the man started to dance around not only his bullets but Alucard's as well.

"Hold still dammit!" Cain's eyes flashed red. He fired again, striking the man in the chest. Another bullet from Alucard sliced into Dandy's neck. Then he turned into a horde of cards that floated away.

"It can't have been that- Goddammit!" Cain was struck from behind by a horde of cards. He was about to get up when he saw cards spinning around him. He turned to mist and flew up. He landed on the roof, watching as Alucard ran up after him. They both looked themselves over, confused as to why they weren't healing.

"Magic cards. What bogus. Am I right?" Alucard was on his knees, hand pressed to his chest.

"Something like that."

"He got you good." Alucard gave a satanic smirk that only he could do.

"I'll live." Cain chuckled, turning to see Dandy heading towards them, sending cards flying from one hand to the other.

"Time to finish you both off." He threw all of his cards, and Cain decided he shouldn't be fucking around anymore. His eyes flashed red, and time seemed to slow to a crawl. Cain drew his revolvers and started to fire at the cards, destroying them before they could even get close. When he ran out of bullets he almost instantly reloaded, firing at the rest of the cards. When they were all gone time sped up, leaving a confused Dandy and a laughing Alucard.

"So that's your power. Time manipulation. No wonder you were such a feared Cowboy in draws. All you had to do was slow down time and shoot the other person." Cain chuckled, blowing the smoke from his barrels. He pointed them at Dandy, cocky grin on his face.

"Ready for some more?" Dandy was about to fight back when he started to deflect multiple bullets. Cain looked back to see Seras firing almost non-stop at Dandy.

"Take this!" Cain was about to join her when he saw she had her canon.

"Show this bitch the power of canons, Snips!" She fired, Dandy splitting the bullet but getting surrounded by smoke.

"Let's just end this already!" Cain drew his attention while Alucard came up behind him. Though Dandy realized too late what they were doing. Alucard stomped on Dandy's leg so hard it was blown off from the knee down.

"Let's end this!" Cain watched as Alucard and Dandy pulled their hands back, Dandy a card in his and Alucard nothing. When they collided there was a blast, then Cain watched as Alucard's hand cut through the card and split Dandy's hand in half. The man started to scream but was cut short when Alucard grabbed his face, silencing him.

"You dun goofed." Alucard bit into Dandy's neck, blood shooting everywhere around them. Cain watched as Dandy caught on fire, but not before Alucard started to laugh, slowly clapping.

"What is it, Alucard?" The Ancient Vampire turned around, bloody dripping from the corners of his mouth.

"Nazis!" Cain blinked a few times before throwing his hands in the air.

"Fucking knew it!" Alucard shook his head, while Seras came out.

"I think Cain is the only person I know who would be excited about the return of the Nazis." Alucard chuckled darkly.

"No, Master. You can't be happy about this too! My God, you are!" Cain was dancing around.

"My win, Alucard's win! We win! Nazis win! Seras win, we all win!" Seras looked away in fear before Cain glared at her darkly.

"Why aren't you looking at me!?"

"Eep!" There was air moving around them, then Cain looked up to see a Helicopter with both Niles and Pip on it. Pip holding the driver hostage and Pip dropping a ladder.

"Need a lift, ladies?" Cain nodded, grabbing the ladder and quickly climbing. Seras was quickly after him and Alucard just warped up. The helicopter started to fly away from all the blood and destruction left behind by Cain and Alucard.

"You know what, we did good tonight!" Alucard nodded.

"I agree. Good work." Cain wanted to bask more in his glory but then scratched his head.

"Aren't we forgetting something?"

* * *

Kita woke up, rubbing her eyes. She had half expected Cain to wake her up, but he didn't. She smiled, she was feeling much better. She saw her T.V was on and she looked to see something that made her growl.

"The terrorist attack earlier today was committed by these people. A tall man in red, a man resembling a Cowboy, a girl dressed like a Police Girl, and they killed several dozen officers, a man who went by the alias Dandy, and the Cowboy was supposedly seen with a turkey, shouting, 'Owain! Use your Sword Hand!' Not much else is known about these people or if they have any accomplices or not. If you know anything then please contact local officials. Suspects are considered armed and dangerous, if you see them then do not approach."

Kita rubbed her head, a slight migraine starting.

"I leave you alone for a few hours and you become the most wanted terrorist in Brazil. Well done, Cain." She stood, getting dressed and ready to find him. Her phone started to go off. She answered it, while also trying to get her shirt off.

"Who's this?"

"Yours truly." She had managed to get her shirt off, but was more concerned with yelling at Cain.

"What did you do!?"

"Hey! They attacked us! I swear on my turkey Owain. Isn't that right, buddy?" She heard a gobble in the background, face palming.

"Where are you guys?" She stood, pacing around.

"... The McDonalds across from your window." She turned, seeing Cain not even ten feet away waving at her.

"You pervert!" She slammed the window shut. Glaring darkly at the phone.

"What the hell were you thinking!?" Silence.

"I looked at your window, and I saw you. I don't see what the problem is." She growled into the phone.

"I didn't have a shirt on and you were just looking at me! That's what the problem is!" More silence.

"Why is that bad? Are you afraid I'll tell everyone you wear wrappings instead of a bra?" Kita looked down, slightly embarrassed.

"No, but... Never mind. Trying to hold an intelligent conversation with you is like trying to play Chess with a pigeon!" There was more silence before she got slightly worried.

"Cain?"

"Coo... Coo.!"

"You immature little-! Oh!" She hung up on him, ranting and quickly getting her usual dress on, making sure Cain wasn't watching her in some way. When she was done she met them outside. Everyone was in different clothing, making sure to keep their heads down.

"So, what are we going to do?"

"Well, the Nazis broke our plane, so we're stuck here. We just have to hang low until another one comes for us. Easy as pie." Kita looked to Niles and frowned.

"Is it ever that simple?"

"Used to be. Then we joined Hellsing and met Cain." They all looked to see the Vampire sticking a spoon to his nose. He looked at them and smirked.

"This takes skill." Kita was about to argue when Cain shushed her. She was about to get mad at him when he took a spoon and stuck it her nose. She looked down at it and then to Cain.

"Magic!" She took the spoon off, pointing it at Cain.

"Who else would be immature enough to do that?" Cain looked behind her. She turned, seeing Alucard with three spoons on his face.

"Of course." She then saw everyone was placing spoons on their faces. Kita sighed, breathing onto the utensil.

"Why not?" She placed it on her nose, laughing with her friends as they tried to see who could get the most on their face. She was surprised when Pip won the day with somewhere around twenty spoons.

"Leave it to Cain to brighten the mood." Cain stood on the table, holding his hands up.

"Watch me do a backflip!" He tried to jump off, but instead crashed into the window, tumbling outside. Nobody said anything or moves, until the manager told them to leave.

"Then have him ruin the moment."

"I'm such a champ!"

"Quiet Cain."

"Is someone mad I know their dirty little secret?"

"It's not a secret!"

"Ok. Hey everyone! Kita wears a- Gla!"

"I will end you!"

"O-Owain! Help!"

"Sacred... Stooooones!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"... Did that turkey just talk?"

"Yes... Yes he did."

"Gobble gobble gobble!"

"I need to get away from you people more."

"You love us! Especially me-Gack! T-Tight! He... He... That's what... She said! Ack!"

"Kita, don't kill him."

"Whew, thanks! Besides Kita, you wouldn't want to kill the person who knows your dirty little secrets now would you? That diary was a pretty good read."

"Who knew a Cressen could blush that much?"

"I didn't."

"I didn't know she found me to be entertaining and enjoyable to be around. Huh, go figure."

"Cain! You're dead and nothing will stop me this time!"

"No God please no!"

 **Well... That was a thing. If you guys don't know who Owain is then I recommend you look him up since I will have some side jokes favoring him. Basically he's my favorite character in Fire Emblem and is crazy. Sooooo... Ya! Anywho, tell me what you enjoyed and stuff! Keep calm and may the Aura be with you!**

 **Oh! Wait! If you have an idea for Cain antics then tell me and I'll see what magic I can whip up. I'll give you credit too! I promise!**

 **Cain: Bullshit!**

 **LucarioKid: Maybe next chapter I could have Kita rip your balls off. Let's see if someone sends that idea in you cocky bastard!**

 **Cain: *Looks at balls* I need those.**

 **LucarioKid: When!**

 **Cain: I know what you're planning! I'm in your head and know everything! Don't try to play all clueless dipshit!**

 **LucarioKid: Fuck a duck! Well, I'll have to find a way to mentally block you away from my plans so you don't go spoiling it for people. Also, leave me alone Cain! I said bug the people who don't review and enjoy! Not to bug me! I'm the author! I enjoy everything I write!**

 **Cain: All the more reason to bug you and get you to review!**

 **LucarioKid: Fine! I'll leave a review!**

 **Owain: Now Sword Hand! Wait... Why am I a turkey in this story?**

 **LucarioKid: It was either that or have you be a random Nazi who Cain would blow to shit and back. Take your pick. God Turkey, or dead Nazi.**

 **Owain: Can't I just be me?**

 **LucarioKid: Sure! Just not here.**

 **Cain: Lolololololol!**

 **LucarioKid: Your ass isn't off the hook either! Guess who's making a stupid cameo in my Fire Emblem story Eyes Open?**

 **Cain: Me...**

 **LucarioKid: That's right.**

 **Cain: Have mercy on me.**

 **LucarioKid: No. Anywho, keep calm and may the Aura be with you all!**

 **Owain: Now you get to feel my pain!**

 **Cain: Dammit, Jim!**

 **LucarioKid: Hey, Star Trek!**

 **Cain: Scotty beam me up!**

 **Owain: I'm tryin, Captain! She won't respond!**

 **LucarioKid: We da best.**

 **Cain: Yup!**

 **Owain: Hand... Hungers!**

 **LucarioKid: Not again. Cain, get the pepper spray, puppies, and lube. We have a busy fight ahead of us.**

 **Cain: Crap!**

 **Owain: Behold!**

 **LucarioKid: Hurry!**


	7. Queeny Poo

**So Cain will get to meet the queen of England... We didn't think this through did we?**

 **Owain: Not in the slightest. Also, a major announcement!**

 **Cain: Let me say it! Please! It involves me!**

 **LucarioKid: It involves all of us you fool. Besides, Owain never gets to talk because you always are. Go on, Owain.**

 **Owain: Thank you. We three will be staring in a new story called "The Worst Road Trip Ever..." Which will be a story where me, LucarioKid and Cain will travel to many different worlds on a road trips of sorts. Even though we'll be walking.**

 **LucarioKid: Also, there's my special book involved, which it super magical and means anything I write happens. Like a story. But anyone can use it. So it is very important that it stays in the rolfnodnovbedjf... Cain!**

 **Cain: I love this book!**

Cain stretched out on the couch, making multiple loud noises as he did. When he stopped he looked around, seeing everyone waiting silently, some even sleeping. So he continued. This went on for a few seconds before Niles groaned.

"What, Cain?"

"I want a puppy." The collective group (Who was not asleep) groaned.

"No Cain. You wouldn't know what to do with it." Cain stood quickly, throwing his hands up.

"If I don't get one then an angel of my wrath will fly through the front door and punch Alucard in the face." Everyone started to laugh, until the door was kicked in and a black silhouette flew into the room, punching Alucard in the face, sending the Vampire tumbling into his chair. Cain merely hugged the silhouette, crying happily.

"Angel of wrath! Make them give me a puppy! Please!" There was silence, then a hand rubbed Cain's head.

"Umm... Sure?" Cain laughed, jumping back and pointing to Alucard, who was still recovering.

"Told you!" There was the sound of someone clearing their throat behind him and he turned to see Anderson, holding Owain in his hands.

"Are you sure you want a puppy when you have him?" Cain immediately forgot about the puppy thing, taking Owain from Anderson, snuggling into the feathers of the turkey.

"Thank you! He's perfect! I'll be sure to feed him everyday! I promise! Oh, I even have a collar for him too." Cain walked away, laughing like a maniac. Kita walked up to Anderson, bowing to him.

"Thank you, Pastor. That should keep him mildly entertained until he forgets about the puppy idea." He nodded to her, handing her a paper.

"We're giving you one of our private jets, we want to make sure you get home and away from here. Wouldn't want Cain to rip anything else apart now would we?" Kita took the paper, bowing once more to him.

"Was it really necessary for you to attack Alucard though?" Anderson smirked.

"You know as well as I that it was totally necessary. Have a good trip, lass." He left, making sure to stand the door back up on his way out. Kita handed the paper to Alucard, the Vampire quickly glancing over it.

"Very good, now we can return in time for the Round Table meeting. Come, gather everything, including Cain."

"Turkeys! Ya!"

* * *

"Are we there yet!?"

"Cain the Adults are talking. Not now." Cain let out a grumble, turning to Owain and whispering softly.

"One day we'll have our own road trip. And it will be epic! Maybe with a third guy... Who knows." He looked to the front of the plane, a large smirk working onto his face. Kita was already on it.

"No Cain!"

"Dammit! What am I supposed to do while I wait?" Kita sighed, sitting across from him at the table, trying to ignore the turkey as it scuttled away, making noises that normally didn't come out of a turkey.

"You're sure that's a turkey, right?" Cain looked to where Owain had gone.

"Mostly. He may be part gremlin or time traveling swordsman who has a sword hand." Kita shook her head at him, deciding to change the subject.

"I realized I don't actually know that much about you, Cain. What's your back story?" Cain rubbed his chin.

 _"Kill her!"_

 _"No! Stop!"_

 _"Do as your master commands!" Silence._

 _"You are not my master, you witch!"_

"Pretty boring. Was born during the Wild West times. Wandered around after becoming a Vampire and partook in some important events in history. Not much else." Kita looked at him disbelievingly.

"There's got to be more than that. How did you end up in Britain if you were born in America?" Cain chuckled.

"Well, during World War One I mostly watched, helping out in America on the home front. When World War 2 started I pushed to enter and end it. Of course, during that time nobody wanted to fight in that, even though deep down the must have realized sooner or later they would have to join in.

When America officially entered the war I signed up the next day, eventually being posted in Britain during some of the sieges on the capitol. It was bloody and long, mostly hiding down in the ground. They Blitz the hell out of us though, and we gave em hell back.

I was part of the Royal Blue Division, second squad. There were five of us. Me, the Cap, a pissy old man who never shut up about his World War One stories. There was Marcus, a nice guy who had split personality disorder. He was nice to us, but when he saw a Nazi all bets were off and it wasn't more than a few seconds later when he was coated in blood and surrounded by enemy bodies.

There was Nyx, a crazy women who knew her way around with machines. She built a flame thrower out of a can of beans, a screw driver, a few bolts and a splinter. Don't ask me how, but she did. Finally there was Dylan, the new guy. He was funny alright. Kept the spirits up, always had candy in his mouth though. He shared a ton of it, which is probably where I got my hidden sweet tooth from." Kita nodded, finally understanding why Cain always smelled so sweet. It was the easiest way to find him was the smell.

"We beat them back and started to fight all the way back, our team joining the taking of the Reichstag. We never went inside and offered outer support. It was crazy though, the amount of Nazis who were laying down their lives for the Fuhrer. I will admit though, the guy had this way he spoke and looked at you that made it damned near impossible to resist him."

Kita had heard the stories of Hitler, but hearing about it first hand was a very different experience. She then turned her head slightly.

"What happened after?"

"We came back to Britain, got some medals and such. They stayed, I didn't want to leave. So I stayed. Then Vampire issues started to pop up and I was tempted to help. Was out with Nyx drinking one night and they attacked us. They hurt her good, but I killed em. When I saw this I realized I had to help, so I went rogue in a sense and started to kill Vampires. That was fifty years ago. About, give or take a few years."

Kita felt bad for him.

"So you've been alone all that time? How could you handle that?" Cain shrugged in his carefree manner.

"You give what the day will give you and do what you can. But all these years of being alive has helped, believe it or not. When I first became a Vampire I had to feed every other day. I haven't fed in months. Maybe even a year and I feel great." Kita was surprised, she had thought he had fed all those times he jumped in the blood of his enemies. Yet here he was, blood starved, acting like he was normal and human.

"Aren't you hungry?" He thought about it, then sighed.

"I'll admit, the hungers have been pestering me for a while." She left him for a few seconds, finding a knife and sitting back down.

"Tell the others about this and I'll kill you." She cut her thumb, wincing slightly at the pain. She extended her hand, smiling as the blood started to drip to the table.

"Hurry before I get blood all over the Catholic jet." Cain felt himself urge forward on his own, wanting to feed and drain every ounce of blood. He pushed back the thoughts and looked at her, unsure.

"But..."

"Drink, fool!" Cain nodded, using one hand to stay upright as he leaned forward, the other holding her wrist. She watched as he began to drink her blood. She had seen the feral look in his eyes the moment she had cut her thumb, knowing why.

"Virgin blood is the best, isn't it?" Cain didn't respond, just continuing to drink from her. After he was finished he stood, moving away. She was curious why. Did she embarrass him? Anger him? Were his Vampiric feelings coming out and he didn't want to do anything bad? Then he returned with a Band-Aid. He took her hand once more, placing the small thing around her thumb.

"There we go. I knew there was something different about your blood. Usually I resist the temptations of all blood, but yours made me want to go crazy. Though I can say I feel much better. Thank you." She did notice his skin was less pale and almost life-like. His hair seemed less dead and more alive, while his movements were less slow, though he was never slow to begin with.

"Now then, tell me about you. I shared, it's only fair." She smiled at him, looking at the bandage briefly.

"I was born into a rich, noble house and raised that way, or so I thought. I was convinced from a young age who my mother was, later to find out I was adopted. I was heart broken at first, but later realized I did not care. So I went about my usual trainings of how to be a proper lady. Eventually I started to get the calls. They were whispers at first, and when I told my mother she had me checked. The doctor thought it was just some mess up in my head.

As time went they began to roar and made me actually want to do what they were telling me. Kill, dominate, destroy, repeat. So my mother reached out and asked Hellsing for help. Walter was the one who discovered I was Cressen, instantly taking control of the situation and giving me my restraints. A room was built for me in the walls of Hellsing, where I would sleep and meditate all day and night. Only breaking to eat and use the restroom.

Occasionally I would get a mission if Alucard was busy with something else, but normally I would remain there. Then you arrived and destroyed everything. But it a mostly good way. Mostly. So I got to started to travel around and see things. I unfortunately will outlive everyone I know, except you, Seras, and Alucard. Everyone else will fade away before me. It makes me sad to think of it that way." Cain nodded, thinking how to help her.

"It is sad, yes. But the best you can do is try to remember them as they were and keep them close. I'm the only one left of my group. I saw each of them before they died, explaining who I was and why I didn't age. They didn't care, telling me with my eternity of life that I needed to make it count. I've tried to so far, but eventually stopped giving a damn. When you don't die things are hard to cope with.

You never want to bond with people for fear of losing them, never want to settle down because you'll outlive them. It's rough, and the hardest parts are when you see people growing older than you." He sighed, then chuckled.

"But now I have bonded with people who may very well outlive me! It feels great!" The plane then shook, Cain standing and looking out the window.

"No way." Kita looked out and saw the silhouette of a women with short hair standing on the wing, her red eyes looking at them. Cain growled.

"Wait here." He rushed through the plane, heading to the exit. Alucard went to stop him.

"Not this time!"

"I have to get out there and kill her! Move!" He pushed Alucard away, his strength from Kita's blood making him much stronger, surprising the Ancient Vampire. He opened the door, flying onto the wing. He glared at the women, drawing his guns.

"I killed you." She started to laugh, walked forward.

"I'm not who you think I am. But I am looking for you." She twirled the parasol she had hidden behind her back, smiling her bright fangs at Cain. The Cowboy pulled back the hammers on his gun, aiming one at her head and the other at her chest.

"I thought I would need help finding you, boy was I wrong! Now then, are you prepared to die for what you've done." There was a swarm of bats before Alucard appeared next to Cain, his guns drawn as well.

"Not before I get a few shots into you, wench." She saw she was outnumbered, releasing her hand from the handle of her parasol.

"Maybe next time, Cain. Don't forget about me." She opened the parasol and the wind swept her away. Cain let the actions down, letting out a slow, barely scared breath.

"Fuck." Alucard placed his weapons away and looked to see Cain staring at the open air where the girl had been with a blank face.

"Old friend?" Cain turned and went back towards the plane.

"Far from it."

* * *

Cain had pushed the encounter with the women out of his mind, choosing to focus on the fact that he had just been invited to see the Queen of England!

"I need a theme song to make me look cool as I enter." Niles shook his head.

"No. You'll enter respectfully, and address her as the queen. Ok?" Cain glared at the boy mercenary.

"No!" Niles knew it would be pointless arguing with him.

"Just not any rap, she hates that garbage." Cain smiled, looking through his phone.

"I have just the song." They got to the door and Cain chuckled darkly.

"Everyone, let me handle this."

* * *

"This menace and the stunt your people pulled in Brazil is getting out of hand, Sir Integra!" She had her hands clasped by her face, a cigar in her mouth.

"I assure you we have everything under control."

"Right, because that crazy Vampire of yours has such great self control!" She sighed.

"I assure you, Alucard is not going to do anything rash."

"We were talking about the bloody Yank." Of course they were.

"I assure you, Cain is very well trained and only does as any of you would-" Someone was knocking on the large wooden door, causing everyone to turn to it confused.

"Who in the blood hell could that be?" There was silence before they heard a rustling. Then the door blew open and a deep voice and loud music sounded out.

 **"His name is JOHN CENA!"** Cain slid in on his knees, letting loose his guitar skill on the black and red guitar that had electricity flying off it, and explosions went off behind him. He then jumped on the table, doing John Cena taunts. Then he ran his hands over his face quickly.

"You can't see me!" Then he side slammed on the large table, cracking it. He groaned in pain, rolling off to the floor with a dull thud. The music continued though. Integra pushed up her glasses.

"Cain." He shot up, the music shutting off. He gave a goofy salute.

"At your service!" She smiled, then motioned him forward. He jumped over to her, scaring some of the men who were watching him.

"Yessum!"

"Where are the others?" Cain pointed to the broken door, where she saw the others all face palming.

"Very good. Kita, I believe someone wants to see you." She walked forward, adjusting her hair quickly. Cain saw the queen and shook Integra's arms like a happy child at Christmas who wanted to open a present.

"Can I see the queen!?"

"Yes Cain. But do as she says, please." He gave his stupid salute again.

"Totes!" He ran off leaving a chuckling Integra. Kita took a bow before the queen while Cain tripped, face planting and sliding in front of her. Kita groaned.

"Greetings, Kita." Cain seemed to warp to his feet.

"You know each other?"

"Yes, Cain." She redirected her attention back to the queen.

"It's nice to see you again... Mother." Cain dropped his jaw.

"WHAAAAAAAA! Queeny Poo here is your mom!?" Kita face palmed at the nick name, while the queen just laughed.

"Yes Cain. I must say it is nice to finally meet the infamous 'Yank' who has been losing us so much money." Cain smiled brightly.

"Well, I try, Queeny." She laughed again.

"Kita, I like him. You need to bring him around more." She bowed again.

"Yes, mother."

"Stand child. I taught you those manners for stuck up nobles like Sir Irons. Not me." Cain turned to Irons and laughed.

"Ha! Prick!" The 'knight' shook his fist angrily at Cain.

"Yank ass!" Cain smirked.

"Too back you can't actually back up your bitchy words! Uh!" He motioned to his crotch with both hands, his grin growing by the second.

"Get some, Scrub!" The queen continued to laugh, turning to her adopted daughter.

"How have things been, my dear? The voices leaving you alone?"

"Yes, mother. They started to bother me when Cain first came since he stopped me from sleeping, but they have faded again. All in all I'm feeling great." They both heard a crash and found Cain to be wrestling with three of the queen's agents.

"RKO outta nowhere!" He RKO'ed one of her agents onto the table, finally splitting it in two, while Alucard, Niles, Pipe, Seras, Walter and even Integra were rooting for him to knock the agents out. Cain clapped onto the ears of one of the agents, and while the man was dazed he placed a hand to his ear, waiting for the cheering which he got. He then did the same to his other ear, nodding happily. He then drop kicked the man through the wall.

"Whoo! Noogie time!" He shouted while tackling the last agent who screamed for his mother.

"Is it always like this at the manor?"

"Ever since he arrived? Yes. But you get used to it."

"My dear, I've known him for a full minute and I could watch this all day!" Kita smiled, then unknowingly shouted out for Cain to, "Finish Him!" Cain turned to her, giving a thumbs up. He threw the man into the air, jumping up after him. He then proceeded to make loud annoying noises that sounded similar to Owain. He then kicked the man very quickly before throwing him through a window. He landed, taking a dramatic pose.

"Fatality. Flawless Victory. Cain Wins!" The queen laughed. Looking at the group.

"Is there any other members of your group?"

"Yes!" Everyone looked to Cain confused.

"Who?" The Vampire knelt over, looking to the door that had just been stood up. He whistled loudly.

"Come here, boy! Queeny Poo wants to see you!" There was silence when there were screams of terror from the hall.

"What is that thing!?"

"It's killing all of us!?"

"Oh my God!"

"Please! I have a wife and child!" The men who were left braced against the door, ten in total. The thing hit the door, causing it to rock and them to cry out. The members around the table looked on in fear. The creature continued to slam into the door, then it stopped.

"Did it go?" The door was blown back, the men getting crushed underneath it. Then a turkey walked through the door, looking around before gobbling.

"Owain! Come here buddy!" Owain jumped into Cain's arms, goggling loudly.

"I love you too!" The queen was laughing so hard she was doubled over.

"I have seen many things in my time, Integra. But a Cowboy Vampire who makes John Cena references, and has a pet turkey that can beat my men is not yet on that list. Though it is now." Integra smiled.

"Glad he entertains you so." One of the men stood up, drawing a gun.

"I'm going to kill that bastard. Owain saw this and gobbled loudly. The man flinched, then started to scream in agony before his body imploded on itself. All that was left was the gun. Cain threw Owain up happily, catching him as he fell.

"Well done, buddy! You saved me!"

"Gobble Gobble Gobble!"

"Same to you home slice!" Kita smiled at the scene.

"He is very interesting is he not, Kita?" She turned to her mother and smiled.

"Something like that."

"What happened here?" They all turned to see a boy, noticing the Nazi symbol on his arm they all drew guns.

"Don't shoot the messenger." He walked forward, placing a box on the table. Before he could speak Cain tackled him.

"Kitty!" The boy panicked, trying to get Cain off. Niles flew forward.

"He's locked his arms! Get the stick! We gotta pry him off before it's too late! Hurry!" Pip drew a large stick, while Alucard and Seras held Cain's arms so they could not crush the boy anymore.

"Help me!" Niles had the boy's legs, waiting for Pip to do his job. He jammed the stick in between them, pulling while everyone else did as well. Even Walter had joined in by this point.

"Pull!"

"I'm fading. Tell my story."

"Hold strong kid!" They managed to loosen Cain's grip to where Niles could pull the boy free. Cain made a move to grab him again, but was held down by the others.

"Get back kid! He has an attraction to cuteness!" Even Kita had to join in, to help against Cain's new strength.

"Bad Cain!" She pulled out a can of pepper spray. She tried not to use it, knowing how painful the substance was to him. He saw it and shrieked like a puppy. He scampered behind a pillar, poking his head out and hissing at the bottle. The boy caught his breath, never taking his eyes off Cain.

"What the hell is wrong with him!?"

"Plenty. You were saying?" The boy went through his message until the T.V. came on.

"Hello, Gentlemen." Cain jumped forward.

"I spy with my little eye, a fat ass Nazi!" The man smiled.

"Ah, Cain! I have longed to see you with my own eyes. I have heard stories from my scouts, but never imagined you to look like this! Glorious!" Cain smiled.

"Have you been watching me?"

"Yes, my boy!"

"Like me and Kita?" He smiled, then started to laugh.

"Exactly, boy." Cain smiled, then grabbed Walter.

"This is Walter!" He then grabbed both Pip and Niles.

"And this is Niles and Pip! They aren't Vampires so they die easily!" The man laughed again.

"You, my boy, are very entertaining. But, I must talk to the others now. I'll come back to you." Cain frowned.

"Ok. See you later."

"Goodbye, Cain. Stay healthy, I want one of my men to bring me your head." Cain felt his head, then looked at him in a confused manner.

"Sorry, but I kinda need this. Smell ya later. Kita! Senpai!"

"I'm younger than you!"

"So I'm your Senpai!" She groaned.

"Sure Cain." They watched as the talked, eventually the man, known as the Major, told them about his plan for war. Integra looked at the boy, smiling.

"Cain." He snapped his head up, a blood thirsty look in his eyes.

"Yes?"

"Hug." Cain jumped on the boy, crushing him in his arms.

"No! Save me!" Niles smirked at him darkly.

"You've chosen your side. Now burn for it." Cain kept squeezing until the head exploded. He then kept squeezing as the organs and more blood shot out of the neck in a large fountain. Cain turned to Kita and the queen, smirking.

"Fatality!"

* * *

At the manor Cain was pacing. He should have been asleep, but he was worried. Not about the Nazis, but the women on the plane. It was not who he thought it was, but she seemed to know him and had the same stance, haircut and parasol as the woman he knew from all those years ago.

"Shite!" He wasn't too worried about himself, more of for everyone else. If this women had even half the strength of the person he was thinking of then they'd all need a lot of help. He walked through the mansion, keeping an eye out for anything out of the ordinary.

He reached the kitchen and found Kita eating a sandwich. Daytime was normally when she like to be awake, so it was no surprise she was up. As she had talked with Cain and the others she had started to leave her room more often, though mostly to eat.

"Hey there. Shouldn't you be asleep?" He shook his head.

"Can't. Things are weird right now."

"You mean the Nazis?" He once more shook his head.

"No. Well, yes, and no. That woman on the plane has me more worried." Kita observed him. He looked much more tense than before.

"Want to talk about it?"

"No. I just..." He was starting to look tired. It was midday and he was still up. It was his midnight and they were on a weird time after having got back from Brazil. He looked exhausted.

"Come on Cain." She led him to his room, the Vampire mumbling about slaying demons from other dimensions. When he saw his bed he flopped onto it. Kita smiled, placing the blankets over him, but made a grave mistake. Cain smelled her, even in his sleep and reached out, grabbing and pulling her into him. She tried to get loose but remembered what happened with the boy. He would not crush her, but resisting would prove fruitless. And he had just fallen asleep.

"Ugghh... The things I put up with." She had to admit though. She was tired, and an afternoon nap did sound inviting. She rested her head on his chest, enjoying the smell of chocolate that was coming off him. She wrapped her arms around his body and was surprised at how he did not feel warm or cold, just there. Almost like a pillow.

"Night, Cain."

"Fus Ro Dah!" She smiled and wondered what he was dreaming about.

* * *

"You are Dragonborn. DovahCain."

"Fus Ro Dah! Prepare your anus Alduin! Here I come to wreck your shit! All the combat skills bitch! I just punched a giant to death! Whoo! Punching Party, and everyone's invited!"

 **So Cain has some weird dreams. Don't we all? No, you can't know mine for they will drive any man insane. Trust me, I have seen the aftermath.**

 **Owain: Ya, not good.**

 **Cain: I'm sleeping with a chick! Whoop!**

 **LucarioKid: She's on you and you're asleep. Shush. I'm building to something and you readers will have to guess, though it should be pretty damned obvious what I'm doing.**

 **Cain: You're making Owain the strongest character in this series. I can see it right now, clear as day!**

 **Owain: You're just mad that I'm better than you as a turkey.**

 **Cain: You can't prove that.**

 **LucarioKid: I'm tired, so shush, you two. Hope you all enjoyed, keep calm and may the Aura be with you!**


	8. Fuck This Shit

**So the title says it all folks. Expect to play the song for most of the chapter for dramatic (Mostly Cain) Effect. Also, damn you (In a sarcastic goofy manner) to the guy who guessed my ultimate power for Cain! Since I don't people to get too confused on it let me just tell you.**

 **It's call Wall Breaker, and basically is where Cain breaks the fourth wall (Even worse than usual) and takes powers from people from other worlds and places, then uses them on his enemy. When he does so, he takes some type of thing that's iconic from that person.**

 **So if he became a DovahCain he would get the Iron Helmet from Skyrim, because wtfn? That means Why the Fuck Not?**

 **Cain: ULTIMAAAAATE... WAALL BREAAAAAAAAAK!**

 **Owain: That's a good super hero attack call. But here's a better one.**

 **SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACREEEEEEEEEEEEED... STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONES!**

 **LucarioKid: Dope! Let me try.**

 **HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!**

 **How was that?**

 **Cain/Owain: Fuck this shit, we're out! We don't know what the fuck just happened! But we don't really care! We're gonna get the fuck up outta here! Fuck this shit we're out!**

 **LucarioKid: ... Thanks... Assholes.**

"I'm heading off to meet with Sir Penwood, something's come up. Cain, be good." The Vampire gave a comical salute, then staggered to the side.

"There was an angry breeze that knocked me off guard. I swear." Integra nodded, not having time to deal with him. Instead she just chuckled.

"Indeed. I'll be back. Late. Don't make Kita have to call me, or get the Pepper Spray. Or both." Cain paled even more so than normal.

"Yup!" He warped away in a flutter of bats. Integra turned to Kita, smiling.

"Have a good night. You've all earned it." Kita nodded, giving a bow.

"Thank you, Integra. I'll make sure Cain doesn't destroyed the mansion while you're out."

"Thank you. Goodbye." She left, Walter right behind her. Kita immediately turning and sprinting to find Cain. She went to the kitchen, finding him throwing large cans of gasoline into the oven, then throwing half a tree in.

"What are you doing!?" He turned to her, striking a match.

"Turning on the heater."

"Don't you dare!" She had dangerous amounts of venom in her tone. Cain glared at her like a child would when he or she would not want to listen to their parent. He edged the match closer, Kita drawing her Pepper Spray.

"Bad!" Cain saw the bottle, immediately sliding the match into his mouth, steam rising from his mouth, ears and nose. He swallowed the match, turning and sprinting away. Kita got one of the butlers to help clean up the mess while she followed him. She then found him placing traps in Alucard's room. Since the Vampire was off guarding Integra, Cain had full reign of the room. For better and totally for worse.

"Cain!" He turned to her, hissing and floating into one of the vents. She got another butler, following the trail of destruction he left behind. She went to his room, looking around confused. When a pie splattered against her face, blinding her. She was bound in ropes, then thrown on the ground.

When her eyes were wiped clear she saw Cain, though he had face paint that made him look like a Native American, a spear pointed at her.

"Women Who Have Blood of Cressen dare enter sacred land?" She gave a _very_ annoyed look to him.

"If you don't let me loose then so help me I'll kill you!" Cain poked her neck with the spear.

"Man Who Swing Sword, get the tools." Owain appeared, his feathers painted with red and green paint. He gobbled, a pair of hands appearing and handing Cain a pickle and a feather.

"Get the others. We have a long night ahead of us." Kita gulped, knowing she was in trouble since this was a silver infused rope, and she couldn't break it without a large amount of effort, and she didn't want to blow anything up and made Integra upset with her. She swallowed ready to deal with whatever Cain was about to do.

Owain came back, a staff made out of crow feathers and bones in his 'hand'. Cain took it, then crushed the pickle over it, getting the juices on the staff. He then started to shake it above her head, chanting ,"Wah ho wah he ha hohoho!" Over and over again. He then tapped her on the head twice. Owain gobble, a spit appearing on either side of her.

Cain took a stick and put it behind her back, him and Owain picking her up and putting her on the spit. Owain then started to spin her, Cain watching with his arms crossed. After a few seconds he pulled out the feather.

"Where are others? We know White Assholes do not travel alone. You will not take our land and rape our cabbages again." Kita groaned.

"What are you talking about?" Cain got a sorrowful look on his face.

"I didn't want to have to do this. But you leave me no choice, Blood of Cressen." Cain then started to tickle her with the feather, the Cressen laughing and recoiling against it, but to no avail.

"Speak!" She was laughing too hard to answer.

"Will you not save yourself?"

"I-Haha! Can't! Pfff! Stop! Please! Haha!" Cain slowed down.

"Speak, women!"

"Niles and Pip went to a Strip Club! That's all I know! Seras went to a beauty salon! Stop tickling me!" Cain stopped, motioning Owain over. They began to whisper, then both turned.

"Me and friend have decided that punishment for invading our land is death... by tickling." Cain drew another feather, the Cressen laughing as he closed in.

"No please! Sto-Ahahaha!" Cain began to assault her with the feathers, Owain watching as fire crept through his eyes. Though he was really thinking something happy and sweet, his eyes just casually caught on fire every now and then from how powerful his sword hand was.

"Stop! I'll do anything!" Cain stopped, leaning close.

"Anything?" His accent was gone and he had a look of glee in his eyes.

"Within reason." Cain nodded, rubbing his chin before smiling.

"We have to go and slay demons from another dimension in the Arctic Circle!" Kita shook her head.

"Too far. We don't have enough time, Cain." He pointed the feather at her.

"I am not Cain! I am Badass Vampire Who Runs With Turkeys!" Kita blinked a few times.

"So Cain?"

"Yes." She sighed, laughing.

"What do you want?" Cain jumped into his closet, coming out with a catalogue. It had a couple of places on it, though Cain was pointing at one.

"I want to go here once things cool down! Can you promise to go with me and Owain?" She nodded.

"Very well. Now can I get down?"

"No! One more thing."

"What?" She was scared.

* * *

She couldn't believe she had agreed to this. Here she was, cuddled in between a turkey and Cowboy Vampire. Both who were sleeping, the turkey snoring loudly, and Cain hugging her close. She had agreed to be his pillow.

"The things I do for you, Cain." Owain woke up, looking into her eyes and gobbling softly. He then made clicking noises and gave an evil laugh. He then had the bottom of his body turn to black tendrils and he slithered away, hissing.

"Something is seriously fucked up with that turkey." Cain brought her closer. Apparently his argument was that she was warm and wanted a warm pillow. She had said Owain could do it, and Cain only shook his head.

"Bro Code says unless in life threatening situations bros shall not snuggle, cuddle, or become hug buddies." She sighed, realizing she wasn't getting out of it. It was better than being tickled. Once more she found herself feeling entranced by the smell of chocolate. She closed her eyes and listened to his slow breathing.

"Amanda." She looked at him, seeing fear on his face as he began to turn in his sleep.

"P-Please." Kita tried to think what her mother would do when she had gotten nightmares. So she ran a hand through his hair in a soothing manner, shushing him.

"It's ok." Cain slowed his fighting, resorting to the occasional head turn. Then he squeezed her closer, resting his head close to hers.

"Never leave. Please." She nodded.

"I promise." Cain let out a calm breath, then settled back into his peaceful sleep. Kita decided to join him in sleep, but was curious.

"Who's Amanda?"

* * *

"So I get to go with Alucard?"

"Yes."

"In an SR-71 Black Bird?"

"Yes."

"And we are allowed to do with it as we please?"

"Yes, Cain."

"..."

"What's running through your head?"

"Alucard, we're picking up hookers!"

"Fucking shit."

* * *

"How long until we're there!?"

"Cain, just because you didn't get to pick up hookers with this doesn't mean you get to be salty." Cain crossed his arms, looking out into the night sky around him and Alucard as the latter flew the plane towards their target. Apparently, some asshole from Millennium had taken over a very important ship and was now taunting the government to take it back. Or something along those lines. He had been too excited by the fact of being able to fly in a Black Bird that he sorta forget to read the details on the mission.

"Hey, I see some lights." Cain looked down, seeing they were almost directly above the ship. The Cowboy leaned towards Alucard, poking his shoulder.

"Yes?"

"Can I do my anime thing?" Alucard sighed.

"Sure, but take cover once I finish coming around, or your ass is going to be ashes in the wind." Cain drew his revolvers, opening the hatch.

"Oh trust me, I'm on permanent guard around your pale ass." Alucard looked back quickly.

"The fuck's that supposed to mean!?" Cain flipped out of the plane, spreading his hands and letting out an excited shout. He then pointed his body straight at the ground, picking up speed. He started to coat his body in smoke, having some trail behind him before dissipating. When he was close he started to front flip, smirk on his face. He could see a women on the ship's deck, noticing him too late.

"Surprise, mother fucker!" Cain finished his front flip, slamming into the deck and making the back end of the ship lift out of the water. His smoke flew through the entire ship, the Cowboy started to yak, coughing out the match he ate earlier. He held it in his mouth, scratching his sleeve across it so it lit again.

"Who says Hell's under the ground?" He opened his mouth, the match falling into the smoke, catching it on fire. The fire spread everywhere, igniting gas tanks and causing the upper deck of the ship to explode, killing the men around it and those in the bridge who had popped their heads out.

Cain's silhouette could be seen through the smoke, his revolvers pointed up, his eyes hidden, and his large smirk on his face seeming to glow in the night. He then turned to mist, flying up quickly. He passed Alucard's diving plane, flipping off the Vampire to see Alucard was doing the same. They both smiled and pointed to each other in slow-motion.

"Aay!"

"Aay!" Then the plane smashed into the boat, destroying what was left of the upper deck and smashing into the lower decks, forming a large cross shape on the deck. Cain landed on the back of the plane, sitting with one foot dangling off and the other casually by his chest.

"Great flying." Alucard formed from a large amounts of bats, smirking.

"When you can't find a parking spot, you make your own."

"Preach!" There was whimpering and they bother turned to it, reaching for their weapons.

"I smell fear!" Alucard started to slink forward, Cain right behind him with a large smirk on his face. They found a tall skinny women with blue hair and a musket crying, her glasses in her hands.

"Should we put her out of her misery?" She turned to them and shrieked.

"There was only supposed to be Alucard!" Cain blinked a few times.

"Sorry? I broke you plan? Wah?" She placed her glasses on, standing and aiming her gun at them.

"It doesn't matter. I'm still going to kill you!" Cain looked to Alucard and motioned the ancient Vampire forward.

"Please, by all means!" Alucard started to walk forward when a bullet flew from the gun, starting to hit Alucard multiple times as it arced through the air in a zig-zag pattern. Then Alucard bit the bullet, literally.

"That was fun." He crushed it in his teeth. Cain then walked forward.

"That was so cool!" She aimed at him, quickly firing again. Cain's eyes flashed, time slowing to where he seemed to have him gun warp to his hands and shoot the bullet out of the air. The women was in pure shock, almost to the point of crying again.

"We'll be having none of that, missy." Alucard then walked forward, punching her across the face. He then took her gun in his right hand, using his left to pick her up and pin her to the wall. Cain was right next to him as Alucard slowly pressed the barrel to her chest. Cain then started to speak.

"Haven't you heard the new sensation sweeping the nation?" Alucard finished, his dark grin on his face.

"Bitches. Love. Canons!" He applied force and the barrel split her chest in half. He then used it to pin her to the wall, smiling as he did. Cain then pulled out his gun and placed it under her chin.

"Have a nice trip to Hell." He looked back to the flaming ship around him.

"Oh wait. We're already here. Anywho..." He fired, her head splitting off into large pieces.

"Eat up big guy. You were slow, I could see it. You need the blood." Alucard gave a feral grin, closing in on his next meal. Cain walked to the front of the ship, getting a dark and bad feeling in his stomach. And it wasn't Kita's blood. Then he sniffed in.

"Something's burning."

* * *

"Kita! They're attacking!" The Cressen shot up, sprinting out of her room to where she had heard Seras call for her. When she found the fledgling she bowed.

"What's happened?" Seras pointed towards London, the Cressen gasping at the fires raging everywhere.

"God help us." Seras growled.

"Nazi bastards! Integra is out there. She doesn't have backup but we need to defend the manor." Kita thought in her head. Strategy was something she liked to think she had a decent amount of knowledge on.

"I can go and offer support for Integra in the city if you and the Wild Geese hold here. Can you do that for me?" Seras nodded immediately.

"Make sure you kill some for me." Kita nodded, focusing her energy to the outskirts of the city. In a silver flash she was gone, right at the beginning of the city's entrance. She brushed her dress before walking forward. He stride calm and collected with her hands together in front of her as she walked. She could sense Integra's spirit, so she walked in that general direction.

She sensed Nazis closing in on her, but she remained calm. They were on the roofs watching her, feral pulses in their body. Kita had her eyes closed, using her Cressen senses to walk. Everything was a silver silhouette but she could see much further and it was easier to spot enemies. One of the Nazis jumped at her from above.

Kita opened her eyes, silver spikes coming out of her back and stabbing the Vampire above her. They returned to her and she stepped to the side, the Vampire falling to the ground with a thud. She looked up at the rest of the Vampires. seeing them preparing for combat.

"Are you going to hide in the shadows like cowards, or are you going to fight?" They all jumped towards her, some from above and some from the sides. Kita waited till the last second, warping above them all. She pointed her hands at them, spikes coming from them and stabbing all the Vampires into the ground. She brought them back, using her powers to float to the ground.

She sent a pulse through her body and the blood that had managed to get on her dress and in her hair disappeared in a hiss of steam. She reclasped her hands and walked forward again.

"They shouldn't be this weak. Unless, the Vampires I know are much stronger than the average Vampire." She blinked a few times, the decided she had more pressing matters.

"The others better hope they don't run into me on the way there, or there will be quiet a few casualties." She looked up briefly, sighing.

"Where are you, Cain?"

* * *

"Fan-Fucking-Tastic! Nazis are invading and we're stuck on this damned boat." Cain punched a wall, denting the thick metal. He knew Alucard was trying to move the boat as fast as he could with his powers, but they were moving very slowly. Alucard walked next to him, sighing in annoyance.

"Things are not going well in England. It's a full on war. Integra is on her own, and Hellsing manor is being besieged as we speak. The manor only has a very small handful of people left. They are barricaded in a final room. Kita is pushing through the city to meet with Integra. She seems to be fine for now." Cain nodded, hoping, praying the Cressen would be fine.

"Is there no other way to get there!?" Alucard rubbed his chin.

"I have an idea. I can give you some of my powers, then fire you out of one of the canons in the general direction of the city." Cain looked at the canons skeptically.

"Do they even work?" Alucard grinned darkly.

"I'll MAKE them work." Cain's thoughts went to Kita, knowing she could be in danger soon.

"Let's fucking do it!" Alucard and him stood right next to each other, face to face. Alucard bit Cain's neck, sucking in half of his blood. Alucard twitched, getting used to the power in the Cowboy. When he was ready Cain bit into Alucard's neck. He drank half of Alucard's blood, feeling immense power that caused him to scream in pain.

When everything cleared he looked to see Alucard making sure the canon they were going to use would actually work. Cain looked at his hands, noticing that the scars on his right hand had disappeared.

"Now, we're in business." Alucard dropped down.

"It will work. Hurry, some large forces are headed straight for Kita and Integra. We need to get you there." Cain jumped into the canon, Alucard standing above it, both looking forward. Cain made sure he was standing on the bullet to where he would not get thrown off.

"Why am I getting launched thought?" Alucard chuckled, his tendrils spreading onto the whole canon and picking it up. He turned it towards where the city approximately was.

"Because I'm not using a normal bullet." Cain looked down and saw only tendrils where the bullet was. They grabbed his leg, pulling him down into the shadows.

"This is creepy."

"You'll get used to it. I'll keep in touch with you mentally as you fly." Cain cracked his arms.

"Ok. Let's do this shit." **Play song Noctilum Day From Chronicles X**

"Firing in ten... Nine... Eight."

 _Bang!_

"What the FUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Cain felt the shade bullet flying through the air with him in it.

"I got bored," He heard Alucard's voice say in his voice.

"Sure ya did! Now what?"

"When the bullet starts to drop I will make it explode, causing you to fly even further." Cain thought about it and cocked his head.

"Repeat that part. Explode!?"

"Remember, Cain, you have my power now. well, some of it. Too much would have killed you." Cain nodded, focusing himself on when to brace.

"How long?"

"Thirty seconds." Cain started to count in his head, nearing ten.

"Get ready." Cain braced, gritting his teeth.

"Five... Four... Three... Two... one... Have fun." Cain felt everything tear apart around him. He saw light, roaring and pushing towards it. He burst into the open air, then felt the blast behind him and was swept higher into the air, breakneck speed.

"WHOOOOOOOO MAMA!" He went into a nose dive, but was still going very high up. He saw the bright lights of the fires in Britain, seeing them close in far faster than he was expecting. When he was nearly to the city he did a backflip, his speed dropping. He let his smoke trail behind him in the air, letting out a roar as he flipped. He then dove straight to the outside of the city, drawing his guns.

He neared the ground, pulling back his right fist when he saw a large group of Nazis looking up at him. They started to fire and he only fell, the bullet fazing around him. When he landed he slammed his fist into the ground, smoking kicking all the Vampires back and into the walls. Cain stood, pulling back the hammer on his right revolver. He pointed it down at the smoke.

"Have fun in Hell." He fired and the smoke caught fire and enveloped the Nazis, turning them to ash. He started to walk where Kita was. It was hard to find her scent at first, but he eventually did find it. He then started to job towards it, his pistols in his hands. He felt enemies around him and smiled. He jumped, front flipping and shooting to the sides, the heads of several Vampires exploding. He landed, throwing his pistols in the air and drawing his rifle. He turned, shooting the head of a Nazi, turning and repeating the action to two more.

He then threw his rifle in the air, drawing his shotgun. He turned, holding the gun in one hand and firing. He used his free hand to catch a falling pistol and firing it into a Nazi. He threw both guns into the air and caught his falling rifle in his right and his other pistol in his left. He shot a Vampire with his rifle, then ducked under a bayonet thrust and placed the pistol under the chin of the Vampire. He fired, spinning and throwing both guns back into the air.

He caught his shotgun and pistol again, firing the last shot in his shotgun and taking out three Nazis. He placed the shotgun on his back, grabbing his other falling pistol and then had both at the ready. He started to move his hands from left to right, firing and pausing his arm movements when he fired at certain spots.

"Dante got nothing on me!" He spun in a circle on his knees as bullets flew over his head, his arms out to the sides as he let loose his holy bullets upon the enemy. He planted his right foot, spinning and jumping. When he was upside down he was still spinning and shooting. He landed, kicking a Nazi in the chest and blowing him in half, firing his pistols at others. They were empty now so he holstered them, catching his falling rifle.

He fired, taking out two since the bullet magically ricocheted between the skulls. He spun the rifle over his back as he leaned forward, firing again and taking out another Nazi. He gripped the rifle backward, swinging upwards and taking the head off a Vampire. He then rammed the gun behind him, the barrel stabbing into the chest of a Vampire. He spun with the Vampire meat shield, firing through the chest and into other Vampires.

He put smoke into the Vampire's head, kicking him towards a large group with a kick. When the Vampire reached the group he spun his rifle on his arm, then fired. When the bullet connected with the head the gas in the head ignited and blew up the Vampires around the area.

The gun ran out so he placed it on his back. He still saw he was surrounded by dozens of Vampires.

"Shit." Then he heard Alucard.

"Use my powers you fool. Remember orientation day?" Cain smiled, holding his right arm horizontally. It was coated in black and red smoke, then grew around him in a curl. It then formed into a large snake, letting out a deafening hiss.

"I'm feeling hungry. Let's eat!" The snake whipped through the air, its head almost like a blade as it cut through the Vampires with ease. It also grabbed some in its mouth, snapping them in half and throwing the chunks at others. Cain took his left and slammed it into the ground, smoke spreading along the ground. The snake dove into the smoke almost like it was water. It moved around, arches moving into the open and disappearing seconds later.

It started to raise out of the smoke, eating Nazis and then retreating back. When there were ten left Cain made a spinning motion with his right arm. The snake started to move around them in a circle quickly. They were wrapped up, then the snake started to squeeze, watching them from above with joy in its eyes. Cain squeezed his hand, the snake crushing the men to where they exploded.

The snake then returned back to Cain, the smoke fading away. Cain started to continue back towards Kita, loading his weapons as he did. He looked back briefly.

"God damn, I'm a badass. And people talk shit about Cowboys. Assholes."

* * *

Kita was a little surprised at what she saw. Alexander Anderson was defending Integra. She jumped down, facing off the Nazis with Anderson.

"Pastor."

"Cressen. Where's that fool, Cain?" She frowned.

"Stuck on a boat in the ocean. Of course." Anderson chuckled.

"We could really use him right now. I guess my army will have to do." Kita looked to see dozens of preachers and holy men alike with guns at the ready.

"That should do." They made ready to fight the Nazis when smoke dropped from a roof right in between them all.

"It can't be." The smoke blew away to show Owain, standing proudly.

"A turkey." The turkey then started to shake, being coated in black smoke and tendrils. They blew away, showing a blonde swordsman with a large kitana at his waist. He wore yellow armor and it was furred at the collar. He cracked his knuckles, taking a stance with his legs spread apart and his right hand by his face.

"Prepare yourselves to face the Scion of Legend!" The Vampires laughed, three rushing forward. Owain swiped his hand in front of him, the Nazis freezing and then splitting in half. He moved his hand back to where it started, smirking.

"Anyone else?" There was more smoke, then loud electric guitars started to play. Cain seemed to appear from nowhere in the smoke, electric guitar in his hands.

"Owain! Good to see you looking normal again!" Owain nodded, returning his gaze to the Nazis. Cain settled next to him, his hands next to his gun holsters in a way that looked like a Cowboy preparing for a duel.

"They underestimated me so they lost some people." Cain chuckled, turning to Anderson and Kita.

"Kept you waiting, huh?" Kita smiled, not able to hide her happiness.

"Nice to see you too, Big Boss." Cain threw his hands in the air happily.

"Someone gets it!" Cain turned to Owain, motioning him forward.

"Show us what you can do." Owain stepped forward, setting his hands lower, then closing his eyes.

"Your move." **Road Taken Remix**

The Nazis didn't move for a while, then started to move forward, bayonets at the ready. When they tried to stab him he moved his hand in an arc, the power blowing them back. When they got ready they had much more fear in their eyes. Owain then slowly drew his sword, the hissing filling everywhere loudly. When he drew it he pulled it out so quickly the Nazis were blown back again. He took a stance where the blade was up to his right, pointing at the enemy.

"Behold!" A group rushed him, the Scion swinging twice before returning the sword to the sheathe in the blink of an eye. He turned so his back was to the group, smiling as they split to multiple pieces.

"Is that all?" The remaining Nazis looked terrified. Cain stepped next to his friend.

"Together?"

"Aye." Anderson stood next to them, Kita next to him.

"Mind if we join, Lads?" Cain shook his head, seeing Kita and immediately hugging her.

"Senpai!" She returned the hug.

"I thought we went over this?" Cain chuckled.

"Soooooo?" Kita smiled at him.

"Nice to see you too, Cain." They turned back to their enemy, preparing their weapons.

"This should be easy." Anderson chuckled darkly, striking his bayonets against each other, sparks flying everywhere.

"Aye. Let's stick these piggies." Cain looked at him confused.

"How the hell did you become a priest?" Anderson shrugged.

"I honestly don't know." The Vampire shook his head and drew his pistols.

"Game time!" They rushed the Nazis who were quaking in fear. Cain jumped off Anderson's back, leaping right into the middle and shooting the Nazis around him before drawing his cross and going back to back with Owain. They started to slice into the enemy mercilessly. Then Owain split off and Cain started to reload, Kita forming a wall in front of him as he did.

When he was done he fired, the wall disappearing and his bullets striking the Nazis. Cain saw enemies behind him when they were impaled by multiple bayonets.

"Thanks, Andy!" The priest flew past, slicing into everything he saw. Cain joined Owain again, shooting the blade of the Myrmidon and the bullets being split and the halved flying behind the swordsman and striking two enemies instead of one each. When he ran out he bent back, Owain's blade flying over his head and slicing the Vampires behind him in half.

He finished by back flipping next to Kita, the Cressen impaling multiple enemies. Cain smiled and slightly turned to her as he reloaded.

"How are you?" She smiled back.

"Pretty good." He nodded, seeing a large hoard approaching.

"Excuse me." He rushed forward, shooting them as he passed. He began to notice that the numbers were catching up to them. Anderson had been impaled multiple times and Owain had a few cuts on him.

"There's a ton, Andy!" The priest was shot in the chest, healing almost instantly.

"Keep fighting." Cain started to feel bullets tearing into him, but he kept fighting. Then he felt a bayonet pierce his chest. He was pushed back to a wall. He broke free, shooting the head off the offending Nazi. He saw another one aiming a gun at him, ready to fire.

"Is this it?" He knew the bullets they were using could actually kill him permanently if he wasn't lucky. Before the bullet struck him Kita moved in front of him, wincing slightly as the bullet struck her. Cain caught her as she fell to the ground, holding her close.

"Anderson! Help!" The priest rushed over, throwing what looked like hundreds of bayonets out of his sleeves.

"You bastards!" Cain watched as Owain sheathed his sword, both hands on the handle as the sheathe started to glow red. Owain swung the blade so fast out of his sheathe that it looked like a bullet. The blade had a red arc behind it, the arc sweeping off the blade and slicing through the air and slicing most of the remaining Nazis in half. There were four left and Cain watched as Owain and Anderson sliced them apart. Cain turned to Kita, the girl bleeding profusely.

"Stay with me, please!" She smiled, placing a hand on his cheek.

"It's ok. I... Promise." Cain looked up.

"Anderson!" The priest flew over, kneeling and looking the girl over.

"We need a medic over here!" Owain was next to them, fishing through his pocket until he drew a small bottle.

"It's not much, but it should stabilize her. Kita, drink." she drank the liquid, the bleeding slowing. Cain took his shawl off and wrapped it around her, tightening it so she wouldn't bleed anymore. Cain looked to Anderson.

"Can you help her?" Anderson nodded.

"I promise to do my best." There was gunshots and Cain saw multiple Nazis heading down the road towards them. Anderson placed a hand on Cain's shoulder.

"I need you to buy me time." He looked to Owain.

"You too, Lad." They both nodded, walking towards the enemy. Cain loaded his revolvers, spinning the cylinders when he was done.

"Let's dance." Owain nodded, placing his hand by his face again.

"I'll die before they get past me." Cain nodded to him.

"Thank you."

* * *

"Where is he!?" The Major turned to see the girl with the parasol walking towards him.

"Ah, frauline. I knew you would come. I'm afraid you cannot fight him yet."

"Why not!? Our deal was that I would fight him!" The Major raised a finger.

"Yes, but we need you to fight him so we will not have him interfere with what we are doing. You will fight him, but not yet. You have waited many years, what's a few more minutes?" She squeezed tightly on her parasol, reaching for the back of the handle but growling.

"Fine. But I'd better fight him or I'm taking out my anger on you!" The Major smiled.

"As tempting as that sounds, I'll pass. I need you to wait with the Captain please." She stormed out with the Captain, the mute moving as far away from her as possible.

"That fucker! I'll kill them both!"

* * *

Cain holstered his guns when he saw the last Nazi was dead.

"You ok, Owain?" The swordsman sheathed his sword, nodding. He looked tired and worn. He was human, unlike Cain. He had more injuries but was not paying any attention to them. Cain turned and jogged back to Kita, seeing her being looked at by a medic and Anderson. the medics started to take her away on a stretcher, Cain wanted to go but was stopped by Anderson.

"It's in God's hands now. You must stay here and do whatever good you can." Cain nodded, looking down.

"Have faith, boy. She'll be fine." Cain tried to believe him but knew the wound was very fatal. There were no hospitals left in Britain and they would have to take her out via helicopter and she may not even survive the ride.

"Shit. Owain." The swordsman limped over, trying in vain to hide it.

"Go with her in case they need protection. You're injured anyways." Owain frowned.

"I can still fight!" Cain placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled.

"I know, but you need to fight to defend her. For me. Please." Owain nodded, moving after the medics. Cain smiled as he left.

"Good boy." He turned to the sky, seeing the embers flying through the air.

"Where the Hell are you, Alucard?"

* * *

"Seras. Do you believe we can win?"

"Yes sir. But... Not without casualties." Integra took a puff from her cigar.

"I'm sorry about Pip." She lowered her head.

"I am too. But not just him."

"Will he make it?" She shook her head.

"I don't know. Regardless, he'll be cussing and screaming as usual." She recounted how Pip had died in her arms, Niles coming out to try and defend them both from Zorrin. He had been impaled on her scythe then started to cuss up a storm before shooting her in the head several times. He had fallen next to them and smiled.

"Nice choice for employment, Sir." Pip weakly smiled to him.

"Little... Shit." Then he had turned to Seras and kissed her, and she had drank his blood.

"There were two others who were there. They may be able to save him, but the wound was deep and lethal. I don't know if he will live, but I do hope so." They were silent before Integra spoke up.

"Come. We need to head for the Zeppelin that crazy Nazi just landed in the middle of the city."

"Yes, Sir. What about Alucard?" Integra turned to the bridge, seeing a large bank of fog rolling in.

"Five more minutes, tops. Then, the real war will begin."

 **Crazy shit. No Cain antics this time, guys. Sorry, but they're in a war and some shit has happened. Hope you are excited for more. So, I am really busy with school and testing so the next chapter may take a little longer, but we'll see. I'll try to work on it as soon as I can.**

 **Anywho, keep calm and may the Aura be with you!**


	9. Keep Fighting

**So picture everything that could practically try to stop me from getting on. Take away alien invasion and war. That's what has been stopping me from getting on. I had surgery recently (Last week from when this chapter is put up) and let me say. I felt horrible for a couple days. Had it Wednesday, was way too tired.**

 **Thursday, I tried to go to school. Failed miserably and left half way through. Friday I stayed home and slept most of the day, and felt pretty sick. Saturday was throwing up. Sunday was better, but I was still mostly sleeping. So, the only time I really had to work on it I was suffering in silence. Fun right?**

 **Cain: Not when you have to listen to it. You sound like you're dying!**

 **Owain: Seriously! I thought someone was murdering you, dude!**

 **LucarioKid: ... Well then... What do you want me to do? Apologize for getting sick, having surgery and all the other things that were out of my control?**

 **Cain: If it isn't too much.**

 **LucarioKid: You're fucking ridiculous.**

 **Owain: I practically live with him. How do you think I feel?**

 **LucarioKid: Well, I live with you two, so ya. I know how you feel. Especially when he invites hookers over. Why the Hell do you feel the need to do that every other day!?**

 **Cain: I get bored.**

 **LucarioKid: Bored my ass! I have every type of entertainment known to man and you claim you're bored!? I've never heard such a stream of bullshit!**

 **Cain: ... Got any gum?**

 **LucarioKid: ... Let's just start the goddamn chapter.**

Cain worked his way to where he felt Alucard's power growing by the second. He could only imagine what he was going to see. But his thoughts kept going back to Kita.

"Dammit! If only I hadn't been screwing around!" He drew his gun, shooting several times into the air, multiple Nazis falling to the ground dead.

"I'm not in the fucking mood!" He reloaded, angrily slamming his pistols into their holster. he stomped down the flaming streets of London, ignoring the sea of corpses around him. Then he saw something that made him both worried and happy.

Hundreds of Nazis on one side, hundreds of Catholic knights on the other. He saw Alucard, Anderson, and some strange man in a trench coat in the middle. Cain drew his pistols and stalked forward, his fangs bared.

"Sweet fuck yes, I need this!" His pistols were lowered to his sides as he walked forward slowly, his face hidden in the shadow of his hat, except for his blood red eyes that were glowing with vengeance. Some Nazis saw him and rushed him, bayonets at the ready. Cain ran his tongue over his right fang, his eyes flashing as he warped through them and the men exploding.

"G-g-g-getup and get down!" Everyone noticed him by this point. Alucard merely nodded to him. Anderson smirked.

"Was wondering when you would join us, Heathen." Cain shot Anderson in the head, the regenerator quickly recovering.

"Not now. I ain't in the fucking mood. Where is the asshole Major?" The man in the trench coat pointed to the parked Zeppelin. Cain started to walk towards it when a bullet flew in front of his nose, barely grazing it. He shot his eyes to the right, venom in his voice as he spoke.

"Care to correct yourself?" The man who fired the gun was the same one who directed him where to go. He spoke no words, only watching the Vampire as he faced him completely.

"Alright, I'm going to fill your corpse with bullets first." He walked forward, twirling his pistols in a taunting manner as he did. When he got to the center circle he looked over to Alucard and smirked.

"I'll take the ones on the left, you take the ones on the right." Alucard smirked, his arms turning into the shadows and eyes.

"I have a better idea." He warped back, red blood swarming everywhere and what seemed to be millions of zombies came out of it, growling and drawing weapons. Cain pulled back the hammers on his pistols, laughing loudly.

"Now things are interesting! Let's do this!" Cain jumped into the blood, right next to an armored Alucard. The Ancient Vampire drew a sword, Cain spinning his revolvers before aiming them both forward, one normally and the other sideways.

"Spoiler Alert: Your bitch asses are done!" A Nazi fired at them, the rest quickly joining in. Cain and Alucard faded into the mist, laughing loudly. Multiple eyes appeared from the mist, large mouths spinning and laughing as blood seeped from the mouths.

"Haha! This is going to be a blood bath! Pun intended!" The two Vampires reformed and watched as their army tore through the enemies, ripping them apart, blood flying into the sky. Cain growled, jumping down to join in.

"Not enough! I need more blood!" He started to tear through the enemy with his bare hands, thinking only how they had hurt her. He ripped out hearts, hung people with intestines, used ribs to slit throats.

Die, die, die, DIE, DIE!" He turned his hands into wisps of red and black smoke, whipping in through the enemies and slicing them into chunks, then re-slicing multiple times until they were only small pieces. He stabbed people, ripped them in half, ripped out eyes. He was not going to let any of them get away. He turned, catching a bullet in the air with his index and thumb.

The Catholic froze in fear. Cain flicked it back at him, the bullet blowing the head into a large chunk. He went back to the fray, tearing into them with his teeth, kicking people in half and punching heads off.

"Weak! Weak and pathetic!" Then he saw Anderson tearing through the horde, helped by his other priests.

"I will not let you do this, Anderson! Get out of my way or prepare to meet God!" Anderson had one arm in his mouth, blood coating his body.

"Sorry Cain, but I need to kill every one of you." He drew his revolvers, firing repeatedly. The Japanese women blocked the shots, then some started flying some at Cain. The Vampire let them hit, letting his blood seep to the floor and eyed the blonde who shot him. His eyes became completely black except for the pupils that had turned red.

"Anything else you'd like to add, runt?" They all flinched back, Anderson raising a hand calmly.

"Think of Kita, boy. She wouldn't want to see you like this." He fired his gun at Anderson, the bullets covered in a black storm. The woman blocked them, but they shattered and slashed her arms.

"Like Hell she would! It was because of me she suffered! I tormented her and because of my idiot antics in the fight she is dying! Do you know how that feels!?" Anderson nodded.

"Aye, I do. But doing this and becoming darkness isn't going to help you heal her. Please, Lad." Cain twitched, growling and then smiling in a demonic fashion.

"I was going to Hell anyways. May as well make sure I get a nice seat." Anderson recoiled as the shade bullets passed through his protégée harmlessly, then ripping his body apart.

"What has happened to you, Cain?"

* * *

Integra snapped her cigar, gritting her teeth.

"Dammit! I knew this would happen! He's losing his grip on reality. And even worse than it usually is." She watched as he started to blow up everything, not reloading as his darkness formed more ammunition. Alucard was watching from a distance, worry on his face.

"Well then. Seras, I need your phone." She nodded, fishing into her bra and pulling it out. Integra gave a confused glare.

"You have all those pockets and you use your bra?" She shrugged.

"When you've got a naturally big pocket, you use it. Not like you would know." Integra narrowed her gaze.

"I hope that's Pip talking and not you, Seras." The fledgling paled, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Uh... Wee Wee."

"That's what I thought." She brought up the phone, waiting as it rang.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Get me the hospital."

"Yes, ma'am." Integra couldn't help the panic inside of her. If she was dead then her plan would backfire in the worst way possible. But if not, she just may be able to save him.

* * *

Alucard decided to make his move. He pinned Cain to the wall with his tendrils. Having them stab into his chest in multiple places.

"Stop!" Cain clenched his hands, blood pouring from the wounds in his chest. They sealed up, his grin growing by the second.

"I thought you wanted to give me power?"

"This is corruption! You know better!" Cain pushed himself onto the spikes used to pin him to the wall.

"What if I like it!? What then!?" He was now up to Alucard, the Vampires glaring at each other darkly. Alucard sighed sadly.

"Then I must destroy you." Cain only laughed loudly. His eyes never looking away.

"Perfect." He shattered the spikes holding him, pushing Alucard away and firing.

"Show me what you can do!"

* * *

She could only laugh in pure ecstasy. This was the Vapire she had been looking for, for all those years. Not the carefree Cowboy everyone knew. The killer, savage, psychopath. And she loved it. She was tempted to leave and disobey orders, but decided against it.

"I'll just let him have his fun. Then I'll kill him and send him to see that bitch. The only way she could survive those wounds was if she was a goddamned Cressen! But there aren't any left."

* * *

Fate has a funny rule. It can be bent, twisted and pushed off the original path. But it always has a tendency to try and return to the predestined path. Like a small creek off a large river. It will either join the river again, or eventually join it in the ocean. But there are those moments where it finds a lake and resides there. Whether this lake is good or bad is a chance of fate. But the same can be said for the ocean. It's a big place, many places to go. Some good... Some bad.

But fate can be weird, have exceptions, have a new path built. Or even have a dam built to stop everything. But when water is held back... the dam can't hold forever, even with constant maintenance. Everything has a breaking point... Everything. Some just last longer than others.

But whatever path one goes down, whatever happens, it's not where they end up, it's what they do when they reach those dams, or lakes or ocean. That's what defines people, makes them individuals and who they are.

Wait... Who wrote this garbage!? This isn't some history document! This is fuck mothering war! The only way to get through the dam is to blow the fucking thing up! So get some goddamn dynamite and fuck that shit up! Tell that dam that the only person who loves it is it's mother! Then blow that bimbo up too! Twice!

And no one is better at that than Cain Sleyd.

Now that's a speech!

* * *

Cain watched as everything in front of his was eviscerated. But he could feel the nagging pain as he pulled those triggers. A hunger that he didn't find appealing. But still he fired, smile painted on his face. Then he turned to fire at the person behind him but paused.

"Integra?" She took the phone and pressed a button, a loud beep coming out of it.

"Marcy, how is she? Don't sugar coat it." Everyone grew quiet. There was a rustling, then a women's voice who sounded elderly came on.

"She's going to make it. They got to her in time. All thanks to that blonde man. He keeps talking about his sword hand or something like that. But don't worry. Kita will be just fine." Cain sucked in a breath, taking a few steps back and dropping his guns.

"O-Ok? She'll be ok?"

"Yes. Now Cain, stop this. This isn't you. Show who you really are. For her so when this is over you can return to her." The Cowboy blinked a few times. Then the shadows around him faded and he returned to normal. He lowered his hat with one hand, his other on his belt. He let out a slow breath.

"With Jesus as my witness, may I be forgiven or damned to the pits of Hell for this." There was a chuckle behind him. He turned to see Anderson walking up, both hands by his side and one in his pocket.

"I think he forgives you, Cain." The Vampire smiled, nodding to the priest.

"Thank you, Anderson." Anderson frowned.

"But I don't think he can forgive me." He pulled out a small stick dagger and plunged it into his chest. Cain felt extreme pain just from being near it. He grabbed Integra and jumped away, hiding her on the roof.

"Don't go near him. That thing will change him into something else. You're safer way far away from here." He turned away, drawing his guns. He turned back and smiled to her.

"Thanks." Integra nodded to him.

"Kick his ass." He spun his guns, having them let out loud clicks.

"Never thought you'd ask. Here I come to wreck your shit, Andy!"

* * *

"No! This wasn't supposed to happen! Dammit! Very well, Cain. I'll just have to make sure you suffer a little more." She retreated to the Zeppelin, meeting up with the Captain. He looked towards her and raised an eyebrow.

"What're you looking at, Mutt!?" He looked away, lowering his head so his face wasn't visible.

"That's what I thought." She spun the handle on her umbrella, pulling out the sword. She spun it, the slowly cut her arm.

"I cannot wait to slice that bastard's throat open with this thing. The very weapon of my sister. I'll make sure she gets her revenge. Everything that bastard did, I'll make him answer for. It all ends tonight. I'm sending him to Hell!" The Captain watched her, knowing the true power of Cain. He wanted to warn her of the danger, but knew she would not listen to him. So he would do as he always did. Watch, wait... Kill...

* * *

Cain tried not to be impaled by the horde of holy tendrils, but they kept laying on the pressure. Cain snapped, slowing time and using his cross to slice them back.

"Enough!" When they rushed him he quickly shot them, the tendrils exploding and retreating back to Anderson. Cain held his guns by his side, then began firing them quickly, fueling shade ammo into the cylinder.

"Stop fighting you Crotch Bag!" Anderson seemed to warp forward, grinning sadistically at Cain, the Vampire trying to stab him with his cross. Anderson grabbed his arm, reversing the cross so it stabbed into Cain's lower abdomen. He gasped in surprise and coughed out blood.

"Crap..." He pushed Anderson back, pulling the cross out of his boiling blood. He looked at it and watched as his blood started to disintegrate on the holy artifact. He grunted as he placed it back on his belt. He drew on pistol and loaded it, keeping an eye on Anderson as he traded blows with Alucard. Then he started to hobble forward, his vision shaking and darkening.

Alucard and Anderson were locked in a stalemate, both pushing and trying to kill the other. Anderson managed to get the upper hand and stabbed Alucard several times in the chest, pushing him back. The priest was so focused on Alucard that he failed to notice the wounded Cain behind him.

"Hey... Andy." The priest turned, getting the upper part of his head blown off. Then Cain pressed against him, grabbing the stick with his left hand, his arm screaming in pain.

"This is why we can't have nice things." He ripped the stick out, Anderson falling back and to the ground. Cain looked to the stick, his hands burning in pain and smoke rising from them. He threw the stick up, then fired a shot into the air, the shattered pieces landing beside him. He walked over to Anderson, sitting next to him on the ground. They both were quiet, neither one talking.

"Thank you, Cain." The Cowboy chuckled.

"This means we're even right?" Anderson let out a weak laugh before coughing.

"Something like that. Cain..." He nodded to the priest, motioning for him to continue.

"Live your life to the fullest. I was a man who lived only fir God. If he wanted me to be a hurricane then I would have gladly obliged. But now... I get to go and see him with my own eyes. Whether he deems me worthy to enter his Kingdom is up to him." Cain took his cross out, holding it over Anderson's body as it started to turn to dust and ash.

"If you could forgive me for everything I've done, then I have no doubt that God can forgive you. When you see him I need you to do something for me, Andy." The priest only grunted. Cain then lightly tapped the priests nose.

"Boop." Anderson chuckled, coughing out dust.

"I'll be sure... to pass on the... message..." He was silent before he turned completely to ash. Cain was about to relax when sharp pain grabbed his arms and legs and threw him across the floor. It had burned, meaning it was holy. He looked up to see a younger Walter walking towards them, his wires glistening behind him. Cain looked at him in pure shock.

"Walter... Why?" The butler didn't say anything. His only response was swiping his hands at Cain, the helpless Vampire holding up his hand for protection. The hit never came and he saw Alucard in front of him, his coat gone and only his black tar skin left.

"Get up and fight!" Cain struggled to get to his feet, feeling the holy powers from Anderson slowly tearing him apart. They would stop, but not for a while. In this state he was very mortal and could be killed very easily. He used a piece of rubble to hold himself steady.

"... Urgghh... Round... Two it is... Damn." He tried to hold up his gun, not able to find the strength to do so. He let his arm drop, his head falling and his hat falling off.

"Damn... Just need... one more... Shot..."

"Cain! Look out!" Cain looked to his right to see the women from the plane coming towards him in a flurry of smoke and shadows. She slammed into him, pulling him into the Zeppelin, the Cowboy unable to fight back. When she stopped he was flung into a metal wall, denting it and flopping to the ground with a crash.

"Ah... Shit!" He rolled on the ground, his vision dancing. He saw her silhouette approaching, but he couldn't so anything.

"Stand." He heard the sound of a sword being drawn.

"Stand!" He felt cold steel pressed to his neck.

"Stand and take your death like the coward you are!" He could only blink before laughing.

"... Fuck... You!" He spat at her, hearing her growl in anger. He felt the blade pierce his shoulder. He shouted in pain, the clenched the side when she started to twist it.

"You will not toy with me like you did my sister! Do you remember her!? Amanda! My sister! The one who made you this way!" Cain remembered. The witch who changed him. The one who forced him to kill innocents for pleasure. He had been disgusted, but too afraid to fight her. But when he saw the young girl in the family and was told to kill her, he snapped. He fought her, ending the fight with the cross.

* * *

"Kill her Cain!" He aimed his guns at the girl, his hands shaking. He then turned and fired into the chest of his master.

"No!" She laughed as the round slammed into her. She drew the blade from her umbrella, spinning it. Cain backed away, fear in his eyes as he watched her close in with a blood lust that he knew too well.

"Seems I need to teach you a lesson, huh? Very well. Then I'll kill the girl." Cain fired multiple times, Amanda blocking the bullets with the blade. She stabbed his stomach, spinning him and throwing him through the window and into the street. People screamed and ran away as he rolled through the dirt and into the road. He grasped the area of the wound, grunting in pain as blood poured out of him. He slowly stood, watching as his master walked towards him.

"Is that all you've got?" He tried to punch her, hitting air as she sliced his chest twice, leaving an X on his chest. Then she picked him up in her left hand, slowly inserting the blade into his side, twisting it as it entered. Then he spat in her eye, the witch screaming. She threw him, the Vampire flew through the wooden doors of the town's church. The same place he would escape to whenever he got a chance. A chance to repent for not standing up to her and helping people.

He hit the far wall, sliding down and knocking candles over. He whimpered in pain as he crawled along the ground. Amanda entered, walking towards him with loud thuds from her boots. When she reached him she kicked him, sending him into the right side wall, where he cracked the wood, then tumbled to the floor.

Cain was about to give up when he saw something silver in front of him.

A cross. He grabbed it, waiting for the perfect time to strike. It burned his hand but he bit through it. When she kicked him on his back he saw her raising her sword to bring it down. Cain inserted the cross into her leg. She screamed and he jerked to the side, sending her to the ground by his left. He rolled on top of her, stabbing her in the chest.

He took the cross out, stabbing her again, and again, and again. He kept stabbing her, even when he knew she was dead, he kept stabbing her.

"Damn you! Damn you, you witch!" Then he started to cry. He stood, walking away from her, his tears mixing with his blood. He threw the cross at her, it clattered to the ground.

"Burn in Hell!" He fell on his rear, sobbing uncontrollably. He curled up on the floor, letting out everything he had been hiding all those years he had endured her torture and pain. When he was finished he stood, walking around her, still worried she would get up. He grabbed the cross and tied it to his belt. He then walked out of the church, towards where the doctor was.

He was finally free. He chuckled, then started whistling a tune. He was finally free to be carefree. To be annoying, without a care and to live life how he always wanted. Freedom.

* * *

Cain growled, his eyesight clearing.

"Your sister was a witch! She deserved everything she got! I'm glad she's dead!" He was picked up by his collar. He felt a knee connect with his nose, a dull crack coming from it as she broke his nose. She then threw him, the Cowboy crashing into multiple pipes and falling to the floor, knocking over tools left by the Nazis. he was picked up again, only when he was thrown he was thrown up, through the multiple decks until he was out of the Zeppelin.

When he started to fall she came up, punching him down onto the top of the Zeppelin where he slid along it, blood smearing behind him. He was on his chest, blood coating every part of him. He heard her foot steps behind him as she closed in.

"I am Amelia! sister of Amanda! And I will have my revenge!" He was kicked to his back, in the same position that he was in with Amanda all those years ago. He was out of fight, he could barely look at her.

 _"What's the point?"_ He was almost smiling at the idea. After all the torturous years of being alive, he would be able to have release. Free from his own cruel, unending cycle.

 _"Please fight! For me!"_

 **Don't hate me! Please don't! I swear there is more! Some people may not be happy with this since it wasn't super goofy or anything, but it's war. just stay tuned and I'll get to the next chapter as soon as I can. I promise! I have to get my stiches out tomorrow so things will be interesting for sure.**

 **Anywho, keep calm and may the Aura be with you!**


	10. Never Stopping

**So some crazy shit went down, and it seems like everyone hates me for some reason. I wonder why, since I have almost killed off Cain and have had all this bad shit happen to him. Hmm... I regret nothing!**

 **Cain: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Stand a little taller!**

 **Owain: No! We need a better song for this situation.**

 **LucarioKid: Car Crash, Three Days Grace. Mic drop! Also, was listening to that song and playing as Robin (The best character in Batman Arkham City) and doing all the Riddler fights and kicking ass! It was epic! Now then, I won't waste anymore time. If you all hate me, then please say it to my face. The silence is weird since the first couple of chapters everyone was super chatty and it was awesome. Now, it's as dead as my soul. Hehe... I'm serious.**

 **So this is pretty short, but is more setting up the Epilogue and some events that are to come more than anything. So ya, don't hate too hard, or I may laugh a shit ton. I'm already laughing now. So, ya. Good stuff, right? Anywho, read and judge as you do!**

Cain was about to let the blade drop, allow it to end him. The suffering, the loneliness, the silence. God how he had hated that.

 _"Please fight! For me!"_ Cain clenched his jaw. He knew the voice, but didn't know what to do. On one hand, he could die, and finally attain peace. On the other, he could live, but he would have to live with everything that had happened that night. He closed his eyes, biting hard enough to where he heard a molar crack under the pressure. After what felt like years he made up his mind.

He took his cross, digging it into the heel of Amelia. He pulled, the Vampire bitch falling to the ground, the sword missing his head. He rolled away, struggling to a knee. His head was down and he coughed up large globs of blood. He wiped his mouth with his right sleeve, his left on the ground to keep him steady. Amelia rushed him, trying to stab his head.

Cain pulled his head up, catching the blade in his teeth. He threw the blade, Amelia with it away from him. He slowly stood, leaned over. Amelia tried for a slash at his neck. He caught the blade, feeling his blood trickle down his hand and arm. He looked up at Amelia, and she flinched. His eyes weren't red anymore. They were silver with red swirls moving through them.

"Ready for the final round." He pushed her back, standing straight up, cracking his neck and shoulders. He let out a slow breath.

"I may not want to have to live through this Hell anymore, but someone needs me, and I can't just leave them now can I? So in other words, I'm about to take your bitch ass downtown. Cain style!" He focused his energy to making an exact copy of his cross in his right hand, though this one silver and similar to the powers or Kita. Amelia was terrified now.

"Don't you know? Every Vampire gets their own special power once they age. Mine is to become whatever I want. Even Bo Bo the Clown." To prove this he pinched his nose, a honking noise coming out.

"Fun, ya?" Amelia readied her blade in her right, her parasol in her left. Cain held both crossed backwards in his hands. He placed his left foot forward, large grin working onto his face.

"You're gonna like this one." He warped forward, digging both crosses into her shoulders, twisting and throwing her over his head. She slammed onto the metal and dented it. She stood quickly, rushing him. Cain suddenly had a metal helmet with horns appear on his head.

"Fus Ro Dah!" A blue burst of energy came out of his mouth, launching her away. Then a strange song with a choir started to sing from nowhere.

"I am DovahCain! Suck it bitch!" The hat disappeared, a red bandanna appearing on his head.

"Hadoken!" Blue fire shot from his hands, slamming into her. She was launched back, but before she could hit the ground Cain was below her, his right fight pulled back.

"Shoryuken!" She was launched higher into the air, the bandanna dispersing. A metal gas mask appeared over Cain's face, red eyes glaring forward. A large gun attached to the ground appeared in front of Cain.

"I'm finished with you! For the Helghast!" He fired missiles at her, blowing her back into the air. Cain pointed at nothing, the chuckled.

"This is for you, LucarioKid!" Large blue ears appeared on his head, a tail and black appendices on the back of his head. He placed his hands to his chest.

"Aura Sphere!" A sphere of... you get it... launched at her and striking her. Cain the got surrounded by a white sphere, a strange symbol appearing on it as it burst open, showing Cain, but the ears and appendices were larger, and the tail bushy.

"You CainCario evolved into, Mega CainCario!" He planted his fist into the ground, a swarm of aura around his arm. He rushed forward, upper cutting her and a tornado of Aura picking her up and launching her into the air. Cain swiped his hand up, six spike of Aura launching forward and stabbing her higher into the air with small explosions on impact.

As she started to fall, Cain placed his hands to his chest, a bright light forming. Right before she hit the ground Cain let out a large beam of Aura, the entire area around them turning white. When it cleared she was w=on the ground, large burns all over her body. Cain made the appendices disperse, walking towards her.

She got to her knees, scowling at him.

"Who are you going to use to kill me, Cain? Scorpion? Bowser? Grima?" Cain shook his head. A large silver revolver formed in his right hand and a his cowboy hat returning to his head.

"Myself. Tell your whore sister I said hi." He fired, the bullet striking her hip, shattering it, then ricocheting to her shoulder and shattering that. The bullet then moved through her neck, striking her jaw and shattering all the bones located there. Amelia recoiled back, then looked up as blood leaked from her jaw.

"You're full of shit." Cain was about to argue when he thought about what he just did.

"Can't prove shit!" He shot her in the head, her skull and brains splattering against the metal of the Zeppelin. Cain blinked a few times, then looked up and clasped his hands together.

"Thank you Erron Black!" He sniffed in, looking around.

"Something's burning." The ground below him exploded, launching him into the air.

"Well, can't get much worse than this. Then he noticed a tank flying past him and above him.

"Goddammit." It fell, crushing him under it. Only Cain's head wasn't under the tank. He then saw large amounts of bombs falling towards him.

"Fuck you, Physics!" They blew him up, the Vampire piecing himself together. He looked himself over, seeing everything was in order.

"Whoo-" A large sheet of metal fell on him. Followed by the rest of the Zeppelin.

"Was this your doing, Andy!?" No one answered, but Cain was sure the priest was laughing from heaven.

"Fuck you!" Cain was stuck though, unable to get out. Then he heard footsteps walking towards him.

"Hang on, moron." The weight was lessened and Cain was able to wiggle out, only seeing the feet of the person who saved him. He saw black baggy pants but nothing else. Except the black longsword on the man's belt, black shadows writhing on it.

"You ok?" Cain looked up, seeing a black coat that came to the man's knees, silver buckles and markings on it. The man had black fingerless gloves, and a necklace that had a cross on it dangling haphazardly.

"Totally. Who are you?"

"You know me." Cain looked up, seeing none other than his friend.

"Travis!" He hugged the man, Travis shaking his head a giving a one handed pat back.

"Wait! Why are you here? Usually you just watch and don't intervene." Travis shrugged, pointing to the metal sheet, bored expression on his face.

"You'd be stuck down there forever and a day, and the readers would hate that, so I freed you. Also, get your bags packed." Cain cocked his head.

"For what?" He got flicked in the forehead.

"The road trip you invited me and Owain on, twit!" Cain smiled and pointed at the sage.

"You remembered! Yay!"

"Yes, now hurry up so I can finish this story and we can go. Which means go!" The man pulled out a black book that had a red draconic D insignia on it. In a red flash he was gone. Cain waved at the air.

"Bye have a great time!" He stood, walking away from the Zeppelin. He wanted to go home and bug someone. Once she healed.

* * *

"Dammit, Cain!"

"What!?"

"I'm injured and you really have to do this!?" Cain poked the broken leg that Niles was sporting, the young man letting out a shout.

"I'll murder your family!" Cain leaned close, whispering in his ear.

"Good luck with that son." Niles merely leaned back closer.

"Kill yourself."

"You first!"

"Why don't you go bug Kita!?"

"She was hurt way more than you. Duh!" There was a cough behind them, showing Integra. She motioned Cain towards her. Cain walked forward, saluting. She walked away, Cain following.

"Soooooo?" Integra said nothing, just stopping in front of a door.

"Don't be hyper." Cain nodded, slowly entering the hospital room. It was mostly dark, except the silver wisps floating about calmly. Cain walked through them, stopping at the bed. Kita was sleeping quietly. She looked much better than she had a week ago, but she had been asleep the whole time. They had wanted to make sure she was stable before letting anyone visit her.

Apparently she had been conscious, but very briefly and was very confused. Cain found a chair, silently moving it over. Then he chuckled.

"Isn't the guy supposed to be the one half dead in the bed? Or are we trying not to be cliché?"

"Why are you asking me?" She opened her eyes. Cain didn't know what to do. He wanted to hug her close and be happy, but wasn't sure. Kita raised an eyebrow.

"Now crazy antics?"

"Integra said to not to." Kita gave a, "Really, bro?" face.

"Since when have you listened to her orders?" Oh ya.

"Fuck ya! Fuck the police! Whoo! Fucked the Nazis and used my powers of Wall Breaking like boss! Suck it Travis! Uh!" He gestured to his crotch, a black and red flash behind him. Travis walked forward, slapping Cain with his book before warping away.

"Oh, that wasn't very nice." A purple portal opened on the opposite wall, Travis poking his head in.

"Dude, you told me to 'suck it'. You're not nice. And I'm busy." As he said that a demon grabbed him, dragging him back in. There was a shriek before he stepped out, closing the portal behind him.

"Being Seneschal sucks. Especially when you're both Avatar and Seneschal." Cain nodded, understanding his friends trouble.

"Sounds rough." There was a flash in Travis' eyes and he growled.

"Dammit, more demons. I'll be back!" As he jumped out the window, Cain called after him, "Nice Arnold impersonation!"

"Get to the chopper!" Cain chuckled, walking back and sitting next to Kita.

"What now?" She smiled at him, about to speak when Owain burst through the door, his right hand twitching.

"My Sword Hand Hungers! Travis! I summon thee to help me fight demons!" Travis got launched through a wall, rolling to his feet and drawing his shadow sword, Epilogue.

"Help me, Owain! The demons are everywhere! We must vanquish them!" Owain drew his kitana, Missiletainn.

"I have your back, Noble Author!" As they made ready their battle cries, Cain shouted at them. They turned, even the demon that was entering stopped.

"We're trying to have a moment in our sequel thing, and you guys are botching it up! Split before I split you!" Travis nodded, tackling the demon through a portal, Owain slowly following, ranting about his sword hand.

"Don't you want to go on a trip with those two?" Cain nodded excitedly.

"But I have some things I need to do first." He leaned towards Kita, the Cressen doing the same.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" They turned to see Travis, Owain and the demon chanting for him from another portal. Cain didn't know how to respond, when the room went cold. Kita glared at them, blades aimed at them.

"Leave or I'll gut you all!" Travis and Owain held the demon head forward, closing the portal so the head was cut off, then was opened briefly as they grabbed the head.

"Twenty demon heads!" Was all they heard before the portal closed.

"Morons. Where were we?" Cain gave a 'regal' face.

"I was about to get all cliché happy ending on you." She sighed then laughed.

"Then do it before your friends come back." Cain did, kissing that Cressen right on the mouth, using his Vampiric tongue to... well, I'm sure you all know what happens when people who want to fuck the red out of each other's eyes kiss passionately. It's... Lively... And I say that as I am slaying demons with Owain and watching from a portal. Aaaand they're on her bed about to-there they go! Who knew Cain could use his time manipulation to take off clothes that fast.

Damn! This is good stuff. Good thing I got a camera. Owain! Take notes for Severa!

"Got it!" Well, this is good blackmail... Actually, Cain would probably sell this shit on the internet for money. Fuck! Owain, you can keep the sex tape.

"I'd rather not. I don't want Severa to end my life in horrible way, then hate sex me forever. She's mean already." Well, that sucks. Single right here, baby! Anywho, this is Travis here, or LucarioKid, take your pic. Make sure you say how much you fucking hate this ending because I decided that an normal ending is the most retarded thing that could ever be done.

So keep calm, slay demons, get ready for our badass road trip that will start this summer (Unless my parents decide to ground me for mean parent reasons... My fucking life) and MAY THE AURA BE WITH YOU!

 **That ending was a thing... Wait a fuck toasting minute! Why am I doing an author's notes thing, when I fucking did that three seconds ago!?**

 **Owain: Force of habit?**

 **Travis: Apparently. So, there will be one more chapter, and it will not suck as much dong as this one. Well... it'll suck dong, but not a ton. Everything sucks at least a small amount of dong.**

 **Owain: Such is life.**

 **Travis: Yup. And Cain isn't here right now since him and Kita are... busy?**

 **Owain: Really?**

 **Travis: Fine! They're fucking so hard that Satan in Hell can hear them like he has noise canceling head phones on, and they're turned up all the way! Seriously! It's like two crazy cat-demon, sex gods who are drunk, high, and horny and going at it all the time! And she moved in and we all live in the same apartment!**

 **Owain: Well, I moved in with Severa.**

 **Travis: And the same fucking thing happens over there!**

 **Owain: ... Are you jealous?**

 **Travis: No! I just want to fucking and sleep and not hear fucking while I'm trying! Is that too much to ask!?**

 **Owain: Apparently. You could just ask him to be quiet you know.**

 **Travis: I'm not about to be that guy. You know what, we'll talk about this off camera typing thing! Ok?**

 **Owain: Yes, Sir!**

 **Travis: *Draws Epilogue* Now let's go slay demons!**

 **Owain: *Draws Missiletainn* Hell ya!**

 **Travis: Keep calm and may the Aura be with you all!**

 **Cain: ... Hey guys.**

 **Travis: What the fuck? You stopped fucking?**

 **Owain: And Hell has officially frozen over.**

 **Cain: Well, something came up.**

 **Travis: What could possibly stop you two from banging each other's brains out of your skulls?**

 **Cain: She's got a bun in the oven**

 **Travis: ...**

 **Owain: ...**

 **Cain: ... So... You're Uncles!**

 **Travis: ... Fuck Shit Cunt!**


End file.
